Wow...

Gosh I haven't posted anything here in a long time. HAHA! I'm so bad about it.
So things are in place for SEMO! YAY! I can't wait to be able to hang with Lee all the time. So I got to go to PA for three weeks. God it was great to be home for the first time in over a year. Going back for the holidays before I head off to school. So this is short but I will update more later.....
AshleyRockstar!

Four words to choke on.....

You ever find yourself floating away from someone you're talking to? Like, you can see them forming words with their mouth, but for the life of you, you can't hear them. Or maybe you can, but it's in a different language. You stop talking because you don't remember what you were talking about in the first place.


Your brain shuts down. A movie comes on. It's very slow and it always catches you by surprise. This unnamed feeling comes over you as you watch yourself as a child. In your head the movie plays a small clip of something you can't ever forget. So you sit there, unable to communicate to the person before you, for you can't see them anyway. Only the movie.


A child runs in the backyard. It's you. You're chasing you're dog. You're laughing. A somber smile finds your lips as you watch yourself play. At first you feel the joy of that precious childhood moment. And then you remember that moment. Then you realize it was the last time you felt that kind of joy. That innocence. That freedom. That blissful ignorance of the hateful world around you. You were a child. You were happy. You were carefree. Your soul will never forget that fire of childlike innocence. Memories. Close and distant.


Now you feel that yearning. When that movie plays in all of us, the past is the present. This is everyone's movie. There is no 'snapping out of your thoughts'. Only a gradual fading of emotions. Emotions that had paralyzed your entire being so you could watch this movie again. Now you can speak. Now you can hear that someone is talking to you. Maybe you interrupt them, or maybe you don't. But we all say the same thing.

Im so sick of everything....

"Every night I fall.. waiting for the world to end."



I'm so sick of my life falling apart all around me over and over again. I'm sick of sitting by and watching things I cannot change. I'm sick of being told things will be okay when they won't be. I'm sick of being trapped I want to be free. I'm sick of trying to fight. I'm sick of swimming in the never-ending sea of sorrows. I'm sick of trying to stay above the water, but drowning anyway. I'm sick of hiding how I feel. I'm sick of faking every smile. I'm sick of saying I'm dandy, when I'm not. I'm sick of keeping back my tears. I'm sick of holding back my screams. I'm sick of living this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me my life isn't that bad. I'm sick of people saying it could be worse. I'm just so sick of everything.



It's sad that I'm only 20 years old and yet in my heart I feel as if I'm 50 because of all the things I've been through.



I want to break free.

Broken....

I try to hold on to better times
When I believed in myself
When I was so full of hope
When I thought I could achieve everything
When I felt like nothing could ever bring me down again

Cause now there’s nothing that can lift me up
My life is all fucked up again
Just like everything I do is wrong
I wonder if there’s a point in carrying on at all
The days when I used to stand tall are now gone

I can’t do anything on my own
And I don’t get along with the world
I don’t have faith in myself
No one hears my insides cry so loud
Once I used to hope for a happy future
But there’s no one around to lend a hand

I’m left all alone and feeling so lost
How can I go on?
Seems like I haven’t found my way
One I could see it from a distance
But these days are gone.

I never knew that it could be so damn hard
To heal one’s wounds
Still I’m trying to save myself
But I just can’t make it on my own
I’m dying everytime I’m all alone.




Still stuck in the house. Getting to go to whitewater possibly on Tuesday... but I don't see that happening. If not I am breaking out on the 4th of July and going to the park or something. My writting is starting to come back a little I haven't done too much. I miss Lee and the K-town crew. I love ya'll. I found Dirty's song in my note book today and just cried. I miss being with people, it's like I am not connected to the world anymore. Sure I have the internet, tv, and cell phone... but thats different then being with people face to face. My vocals are crap right now because I haven't been singing in a while. but here's a let down for you.


More Later....
<3 AshleyRockstar

Save me from this craziness....

Gosh my grandmother makes me so mad sometimes. She acts like I am still 10 or something and I don't know how to do anything. I could have slept for another hour but no she loves making my life hell. I have been up since 6:45 and my dad was still sleeping! I have been stuck in this house since Thursday and it is driving me nuts. SOMEONE SAVE ME! I know I have to take care of my dad and all but it would be nice just to go outside for at least 15 minutes of the day. But do I get to do that? NO!!!!!! Its not like my dad is going to break if I leave for an hour. I have checks that need to be cashed, things that I need to do... but will that be happening anytime soon? Doubt it. I wish I could see my mom, I haven't seen her in 8 months and it really sucks. I have things up in PA that I need to bring down for school and all too. Looks like things just aren't going my way lately and I wish they were. I really think I need to start seeing the therapist again. Im starting to get depressed and everone keeps asking if Im ok and I just put on a fake smile and say Im fine, when in reality Im not, but how are you supposed to tell the people around you that?

More Later...
AshleyRockstar

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards....

Don't ya love it when your stress level is a 4 and it skyrockets to a 15 and its only supposed to go to 10? Well my dad is finally getting out of the hospital tomorrow and I got a call that my mom went into the hospital tonight. I wish things like that could just disappear and they didn't have to be dealt with. I am at such a loss of what to do right now other then to sit here and bawl my eyes out and wish things did have to be the way that they are right now. I am going to end up stressing myself out too much that I will end up in the hospital. I miss the boys I should have been with them today. I did get to see Pat and Andy but that was about it... they should be stopping by again soon for a moment or two before they head out of town.


Ill rant more later......
Stressedthefuckout.....
~Ashley

Love is just Joke spelt wrong...

You say You love someone forever

How long is forever actually?

Until you find someone new?

Someone better?

Its like when you fall

Its hard to get back up

but you just clean the wound

And move on

When you fall in love

However, its like that person

Took part of you along with them

There's something missing

Its just hard to figure out what it is

When some affects your life so much it hurts

You try and go back to what you did before them

But its not the same

Its dulled somehow

Its like they made you feel good

So when they left they make you feel bad?

Yin and Yang?

You feel good so you must feel bad to?

So When you say

"baby I love you"

Are you really saying

"ill pretend to love you until someone new is here"

Because from what I can tell

Love is just Joke spelt wrong!

Its just so hard to forget someone that makes you smile

Is the same person person who isn't there now is the one that makes you frown

Its not fair

I shouldn’t have let you this close to me

Why was I so stupid to fall for you?

Its hard to think that this all happen from you saying "wanna do something?"

All this could have been avoided if I just said two simple letters

N and O

then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess

Jumbled things....

I'm not going to die,
I'm not going to give in,
I'm going to stay here,
and fight my way to the end.

(Im in pain right now I think I have another flare up coming on and it sucks so bad. I hate dealing with health problems. I think its from dealing with stress the past few days.)

You can push and shove,
Call me names,
Try to ruin my name,
and hurl things my way.

(I swear you are fucking bipolar Pete. Happy and talking to me the one minute the next your bitching me out and sending me pictures of you and her on your birthday.)

In the end,
I still stand,
Strong and Proud,
You can't win.

(Because even your new powers have no effect on me. I have taken your blows and others too and I am still making it through. I want to be back with Lee :( I miss here and everyone.)

My fight is
For my life,
The one I lead,
Without a dream.

(even though I have alot of dreams right now... but music and singing and being with lee are all on the top of that list.)

All the pain,
and the sorrow,
Will soon fade,
in passing days.

(When everything will go my way and be how I want it to be it will.)

But that is
still so far away,
and I'm left to
fend for my way.

(I have done everything I need to have everything Ive got in my life, and I will keep doing it until I have everything in my life I deserve.)

I'm not going to break,
But I will start to bend.
I'm not going to fall,
But I will start to slip.

(Life will always be this way.)

You're not going to win,
Even if I lose,
Because I'm not dieing,
or giving in...

(nor do I ever plan to.)


So I am feeling a little under the weather right now.....
More later....
AshleyRockstar

Reminds me of home....

I love being here in MO with Lee! Things are going great other then finding out that my dad go into a pretty bad car accident the night that I got here. Meeting the people that are closest to Lee is awesome, they all seem really cool. Ive picked up my cell phone so many times wanting to call him.... yes Pete! But I haven't he doesn't know about my dad and for now its going to stay that way, and when we do start talking Im pretty sure that I will get yelled at for not telling you. Opps! I hate fighting with you because it makes me think about you more because every song and every video that I hear and see makes me want to break down right there like a baby but I don't and I won't because you will never have the satisfaction of knowing that this is what you do to me. For thoes of you that are already bored its going to stay that way because there is going to be none of my writting other then what's going on in my life at the moment. Lee graduated last night and it was awesome I've never been on the other side of graduation because I was the one that graduated. It made me miss being in highschool and having that one moment where it was about me and getting that little slip of paper saying your done. These two weeks are going to be great. We've gone bowling, eating out (TACO!) yes I get picked on for saying taco weird *giggle*, graduation, walmart. And Im going to dye my hair today. YESSSSSSSSSSS! Goodbye ugly blonde in my hair. Yep. Im being random. I guess I will wait and see what the rest of the day will unfold for me. My times already ajusted, which is great because I thought it would take me longer this time. LOVE YOU LEE!
More later bitches.......
Ashley

I will never know how to say no...

Sometimes I hate it when people to ask me to do something. I don't know how to say no to anyones face. My grandmother keeps asking me to do things but do I want to no... do I do it? Yes because I hate to disappoint people and can't say no to anyone's face. Last night was fun went out and danced for a while, which I haven't done in forever. I hate when guys hit on me also... its so weird. A guy asked if I wanted a drink and I guess he thought I was 21 so it was a beer did I really want it no but me being me said sure! At least nothing bad happened. I feel like if someone asked me to jump off a bridge I would do it just for the sake of not disappointing people. I can't wait for tomorrow I finally get to see Lee! Im really excited... time to start on one of my many adventures of the summer. I hate that I only get to spend 2 weeks with her I wish it was longer. So I leave there June 6th and leave right from the airport to drive to PA! Gosh how busy life is going to be. Im ready for it though nothing I can't deal with. So I need to finish packing some little things....

More Later...
<3 ~ Ashley the fucking rockstar! (haha love you Casey- "good morning princess rockstar")

And you still on my mind...

I find myself running cold fingers across my lips,
Your taste still lingering.

Head back, down it, burning,
Repeat.

You sat across from me under that fucking tree and watched,
The icy cool liquid, stopped my breath.
Kind of like you.

That time disappeared in a flash, and there you were, smiling and laughing,
Interacting with others, not being anti-social.

We were mimicking actions.

You laughed at me and her. You laughed and whispered something.
I heard my name.

Then,
You threw your jacket over my shoulders, the edges touching the mud.

It's nice, huh?
Warm, comfortable, expensive, I want one. It had a nice scent. I wish I'd kept it on longer.

I'm sorry I kicked you.
I'm sorry I annoyed you.
I'm sorry you need me to spell it out.

I like you. A lot.


get over it.. him Ashley.


[Remember when you pressed your lips to my neck?
Yes?

That was fun. We should get drunk every night.]

Boys=Poop

Somewhere in the trunk of your mind,
Hidden underneath your bag of secrets, your box of lies,
Your thoughts are all shattered into pieces of glass,
Each one marked with red, tasseled between your masks.
And every time you think, "Oh, what a Hollywood-whore,"
Your stapled poster-boys sing, it's her, it's her.

Oh, somewhere in the trunk of your mind,
Where loves were ripped, memories left behind,
Your thoughts are all broken into over dose pills,
Each one marked with black, gives your spine a quick chill.
And every time you think, "This isn't a Hollywood-Thrill,"
Your glued baby-girls sing, she's there, she's there.

Oh, and in the bottom, locked in the trunk of your mind,
Lies a photo of a girl-
A dream girl left behind.

May is here....

May is here and with it sucky ACT scores this time I only got a 15! :-( So I am crying over it right now. Maybe I am not ment to go back to school, I really wanted to tho. How come when you go to a state tech college that they dont need your ACT or SAT's? I hate test. I really want to go to SEMO its the only place that I applyed for to get into. I want to be with Lee! Does god hate me or something? Ok so maybe I am overreacting but I don't know what to do. I thought I had done so much better. SIGH! I guess going in with my head held high thinking that I was going to do better bit me in the ASS! Ok breath Ashley breath. AHHHHHHHHHH! ok how about a scream. Things are going to work out for the best they have to. Maybe just maybe SEMO will take me on the 17 after they find out I got a 15. Maybe?..... 22 days and I will see Lee at 8:30 AM YAY!

More Later.... <3 Ashley!

Will May ever come?

So this past weekend was so busy. Mary's Birthday was Friday. Had a wedding to go to on Saturday and then went out to dinner for Mary's b-day. German food is good. And yesterday we went to six flags for Mary and Tim's b-day. I feel old. Mary only turned 19 and Tim is turning 16 ahhhhh! Sometimes I forget he is so young because he looks and acts so much older. I want the end of May to get here so that I can go and see Lee! I am really excited. It makes me miss highschool sometimes things were a little easier then. I miss seeing the guys and talking to them all the time like I used to. This summer is going to be so different for me. I was always used to coming down to Georgia. Now I am going to see Lee for three weeks, come back for a day and leave the next night to finally go and see my mom after 8 months. Times have changed so much, struggling to get back into school not being able to find a job for so long because I am either over qualified or have no qualifications at all. Music and singing is all I want to do with my life yet there isn't too much I can do with that around here. Not too many gigs have been coming my way lately, but to be honest I really haven't had the time to do them and it all stops after next weekend so that I can spend the week packing, heading to my fatthers house to work for a week and then to go and see Lee!

More later <3 ~Ashley

Here I Am

Here I am
in darkness
in shame
depressed and stressed
losing my faith
then I see something
not recognizing
what I'm looking at
is me


So here is my first post in a while. Things have been so crazy. I am really looking forward to this summer, I need to get away. I am so stressed about the little things that are going on and that still need to be done. I can't wait to see Lee, about a month left and I finally get to make my way to see her. Still have to buy the plan ticket but there is no problem with that. Taking my ACTs again on Saturday, I will have an 18 or higher this time I swear it with all my being. I will go to SEMO, I am NOT going to stay here and go to ASU! Ahhhhh! Did a little shopping on Tuesday which I shouldnt have I spend $135 in a matter of an hour! So bad. I bought alot though. Things for the summer and whatnot.

More later....
<3 ~ Ashley!

Pretty, Pretty pills....

This place tastes like suicide.
Blood.
Tears.
Failure.
& Depression.
And these pills never were so tempting.
It's the newest fashion of '07.
Death never looked so good on me.
It makes my hips slimer.
And my eyes more blue.
Everyone around me is giving it a try.
They take pills like they're just drugs.
They pop pills like they're candy.
Party when the funeral ends!
But the funeral never stops.
No matter what you do
You'll still see girls in black dresses
And little boys tugging at their ties.
I want to join in.
I'm tired of this fucking world.
A world where nothing goes right.
Where everyone keeps turning their back of me.
Where no one cares where they sleep at night.
Don't leave me here in this dark world.
I need your light to guide me.
Don't leave me here in this sick world.
I'll need your comfort to help me.
Don't leave me here in this cold world.
I'll freeze without your warmth.
These pills can't keep me warm.
But they keep tricking me into thinking they will.
I won't do it.
Yes, you will.
I can't do it.
Yes, you can.
I am fucking sick of being left.
In this cold, dark, sick world.
With no one.
With no explanations.
With no good-byes.
You do it one more time?
And it'll be my turn.

And yet you still can't be happy...

Can you never be happy for me?
I tell you things thinking that you would be happy for me and all I get back is yelling. You telling me it's not a good idea. What about my dreams? You already have yours. I haven't slept and now I am sick from the stress. Lord knows I don't need it, I am always sick enough. Are you worried something is going to happen with the guys? That would never happen. But then again why should you care anyways?

I'm going to lay down. More Later....

Life when we were young....

If life could stay as it was when we were young.
When boys had cooties and girls were just icky.
When all we needed was candy and a t.v. to make us happy.
When the worst things we did was yelling at our little brother and the worst punishment we ever got was an early bedtime.
It was a time when the toughest descions we had were picking teams for tag and when money was only useful for toys.
It was a wonderful time when hugs solved anything and family ment everything.
When we were young death was not understood and pain could not truely be described.

Look at us and see what we have become. See how we are in a world of lost hope.
Where life just means pain and suffering and happiness is only a blurry dream.
Where high school is a prison full of messed up people and crazy teachers.

We now live in a wrold where money means more drugs and people hate themselves because they don't look like the girl on the cover of the magizine.
Where people feel the only way to escape their pain is to hurt themselves.
In this world we are pressured to be people we're not.

How could I have become this girl who can't even look in the mirror because she knows she'll just cry?
How could people I've known since kindergarden be smoking pot or cutting their wrists?
When we were young we could laugh and joke around saying we'd never do those things, but when things like alcohol and suicide are starring at us in the face we just give in.
When we were young most of us were safe. We had high hopes and dreams and hearts of gold. I wish I could go back to those years of my childhood where I didn't have to be afraid of life.

When Die-monds Fall From The Sky

Lay back, baby.
Relax your mind.
Though, sleep never comes to your eyes.
Can you feel the pulse,
The pulse of my wrist?
Hell, the world already knows,
How you left me like this.

I am the obsessed.
You are the obsessor.
Dreams are for beleivers.
And I can't beleive...

Emotions running high.
Like late night in the basement.
Lips quiver, hearts break.
How many pills should I take?
My prescription's expired.
How could you know?
Faux affection.
Good intention.
That's not a crack through a muscle.
That's a break in my heart.

Teardrops fall.
One by one.
Have you been counting?
I have.
This is how I pass my time.
Repeating all of your clever lines.
Over and over,
You take over my mind.

What's sympathy among enemies?
Hell, what's a hug between friends?
When your compassion is false.
All you ever wanted was a good night reaction.
Well, I'll tell you,
I can't see any stars in your eyes.
There filled with die-monds.
Baby, die-monds.

My eyes are lined with black.
You wonder, 'what is that?'
The charcoal makes me seem ob-scene.
But baby, why do you care?
You won't stare into the eyes,
Of your lower-class lover.
And I can't help but wonder...
Why not me, but another?

ughhhh....

It never goes right....

Things still can't seem to go right.
Won't be seeing Lee in March which really bums me out.
Needed an 18 on my ACT's and I only got a 17.
Listening to my head too much and not my heart.
*Edit*
Just got done laying outside and reading.
Yes I am a nerd.
I am missing so many people right now.
I want to be back home.
I want to be with Ashlee.
I also want to see the guys.
I want to find the other half of me, I hate having to wait to find him.

On the road to self-discovery.
I'm going half the speed limit.
Because I'm afraid the cops will pull me overasking for some ID.
and then I'll have to say "I'm sorry, Sir. But I'm nobody."
That's all I've ever been.
A nobody in nowhere with no one.
Hoping against hope that I'll be found.
And someone will take me in their arms and they'll whisper sweet nothings in my ear
like I've been dying to hear for years.
I don't remember what color my eyes arebecause I haven't had the courage to check in so long.
I'm so afraid that if I see myself I'll finally realize that I am pretty damn far gone.
But like I said, I'm on a road to self-discovery.
And on that road, there are cliffs.
There are oceans.
There's a bridge.
There are drifters, lovers, bikers, and loners.
Givers, takers, wanters, needers.
There is violence.
There is hope.
But most of all, there are dreams.
Oh God, what it feels like to have a dream consume you.
At first, it's beautiful then it gets worse.
Then it becomes so painful, all you want to do is let go.
And forgive.
And forget.
But I won't forget.
Even if it were possible, I wouldn't let it slip.
Misery is your best company.
Suffering is your best teacher.
Hating is your best sin.
I know all three better than I should.
Better than you ever could.
It's hard to hold on to pain.
But when you do, you go farther.
You dream larger.
And you fly higher.
It doesn't seem like that in the beginning,
but when it ends, you'll see.
Just take a look inside your heart.
Just take a moment to breathe.
On a road to self-discovery.
I'm slowly gaining speed.
I'm more confident with every tear.
I'm weaker every time I breathe.
The cops aren't on my mind.
They'll have hell trying to catch me.
I'm taking every mile like a lesson learned.
And I'm becoming good friends with my misery.
Because, we all know I'll need its company.



more later...

I want to start over new...

I won't go back to what I felt.
That's a promise to myself and not to you this time.
I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Hoping I wouldn't disappoint.
And begging to hold on for one more day.
All I ever got out of this was less time, more hurt, and a broken state of mind.
And I never lived a moment for me.
Maybe I'd be worse, maybe I'd be better.
But at least I would know I'd lived.
Sometimes I just sigh to be sure I can still breathe.
Or to make sure my lungs still work.
Right now, I only blink to block the world out of my vision for a split second.
For just a moment, I'm free.
Freedom.
I've forgotten what that felt like.
I'm so sick of feeling the same way every day.
I don't get it.
Why can't I change my ways?
What did I do to be so different?
Did the world take a little more time to make my image?
Did everyone stop with me?
Why can't I breathe when all I've ever done is please?
And how come you prosper when all you ever did was rip me apart?
I'm tired of asking myself questions.
It's harder when you don't know the answers which I surely don't.
I'm sick of feeling miserable.
When that's all I'll ever be.
I've had enough of living life just to get by.
I want more than that now.
You could call me high maintenance.
But I'd laugh in your face.
You could bully me more than anyone.
And I'll push you right back.
That was never me before.
You called me something?
I simply answered to it, knowing it must be true if you said it.
If you tore me apart.
I'd let you because I wasn't strong.
But, it's got nothing to do with muscles.
It's got to do with your soul.
Your mind.
Your heart.
All three are struggling for me.
Stop telling me what I am.
Or what I should be.
I won't listen anymore.
If I need to go deaf to make it happen, I will.
If I need to go blind to stop seeing you, I'll do it.
If I need to to die to be happy?
Well, we won't go there.
From this day forward, I've got a new edge.
I'm the knife you never knew could hurt you.
The blood you never thought would spill.
The lies you never imagined could unfold.
So, guess what?
Now, I'll only breathe to steal the oxygen.
So when all of you can't breathe, I'll laugh.
I'll only live to live for me.
And when all of you suffer, I'll be glad.
Now when you tell me I can't.
You'll wish you never had.
I'm a monster.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a scratchout, a reject, a snitch.
I'm a follower.
I'm a rebel
I'm a lover, hater, and dweller.
I'll destroy you.
I'll lash about.
I'll stop you, drop you, and kill you.
If that's what it takes to get the hell out.

I am so tired of being here.
I want to be with Lee so bad.
Still hoping that I am going to make it there.
Mom's surgery is tomorrow so I am freaking out a little.
I keep laughing at the littlest things even when they are not funny because I am so tired from after this weekend.
It was so nice to just be away with friends.
"Your mom!....Your anus!"
Wow crazy times!

More Later...

Replay the accident...

Those waves of passion.
Did they help knock you down?
If I'm too cold inside, to sad to smile,
Don't think I'll breathe when you come around.
Superstar, baby, it's what you've become.
The lines were sang, baby, bang the doldrums.
If they said, "It's love. It's in you to give,"
why did your love come attack my wrists?
You don't know me.
Baby, I don't know me.
Why does your face keeping coming around.
Just when I'm about to let go.
Stage lights, street lights.
Will you fight under them when I'm gone?
But there's so many things I've done.
You shouldn't know....
Baby, you'll never know.
If I'm too weak to be your cure.
Baby, could I be your accident?
No, but I'll keep on trying.
You know, this is more than she's ever done.


I am in one of my emo moods tonight.
I have a wonderful boy laying right here by my side.
Don't get jealous, it is not what it seems, he is more like my younger brother anyways, except he reminds me of you.
My mom's surgery got pushed back to next week, I forgot I didn't tell anyone but Lee.
Getting the money that is owed to me is beginning to be harder then I thought it would be.
Still sick how long has it been now?
Pills are looking so good right about now but I am with and talking to people that are keeping me sane at the moment.
I know that you are going to call or something to yell at me about that.
Thank god for them.
Lee I hope you are feeling and doing better, you are one of the very important people in my life and if wasn't talking to you tonight I might have done something bad.

More Later...

Randomness.......

I feel like being random all of a sudden.
I want to kiss you on the lips and tell you I'm your biggest fan, anyone that is will to have me do it.
Cockyness is not flattering, it gets old after a while.
If I act like I own the place that's becasue I do.. only not really.
I'm a sucker for acoustic.
Some things are harder than we wish, but look at the bright side something has to go right at least once.
Sometimes when people annoy me I feel like screaming I am going to punch your lights out.
Is there such a thing as danger in words when they are lyrics?
Peter Pan is miles away, and Tink is sitting right here writting to whoever god I love that movie!
Still sick hate it.
Tada thats a funny word because things don't just magically appear, maybe disappear but never appear!

ok randomness over for now...
More Later...

I don't know why I am posting this....

Nobody ever said we could end up like this.
I kissed the lips of your lies away.
I remember you told me, "love can't save you, only my new powers can," But it looks like you lied about that too.
You dropped the heart.
You broke the name.
Baby, tell me, why do you live this way?
Lips against lips,
Like hips attatched to hips.
I fell in love by accident,
You cheated on the dance floor.
Call the police man.
I think we've got ourselves a scene.
Although you seem to disagree, "This ain't a scene," But baby, it's no god damn arms race. Just a slip of my sanity.
Just a whisp from my lips.
Nobody loves me, baby.
No, not even you.
I can hang on to the phone.
I can sleep to the lullaby of the hallow dial tone.
His taste turned bittersweet.
His love had formed to lust.
Baby, don't come home to see me.
Your girl's waiting by the bus.
Forget me and my ways.
It's much easier than it seems.
I need some time to forget.
My heart has no self-esteem.
I know you know.
You know it well.
The devotion of my heart is a tool.
I wish you'd know.
That I did'nt know.
Breaking hearts never looked so cool.


I wrote this when we weren't talking. Why I am posting this I have no idea! You seem so sad all of a sudden did something happen between you and her? Please smile and don't fake it, because it hurts me so bad. I miss you! I miss the guys! Mostly I miss just laying around with you and having to say nothing and we know what the other might be thinking.

I am still sick I really want it to go away! I am finally keepng food down, which is a good thing I guess! I hate food, its not my friend!

More later....

I hate V-Day.....

Don't you feel like spinning out of control,
Screaming, begging "somebody save me,"
Baby, there's no one there.
Your home alone, again.
Do you cry from your eyes or your mouth?
If you don't want the world to see you,
Then why are you being; acting like such a hypocrite?
"I hope you choke" never meant a thing.
If you want an empty diary, go home.
Left me; leave me here, standing.
Run a knife down your wirst, does this feel like love?
Oh, you know it's not love...

Oh darling dear, I hope you "slip down the stairs" just by "accident" on that ice that "wouldn't be there in July".
Only I know the secrets between the lines.
Sometimes I think that one kiss, my only ever kiss, that I shared with you is nothing.
My lips may have been kissed once but I consider them virgins.
Because they've never been touched out of love.
Or even out of lust.
Just by accident.
My experience with lips was so brief, so quick.
Sometimes I think I imagined it.
Just a slip of fantasty.
Just a drop of what I wish was.
Just a brush of lips he'd forgotten about.
But I won't forget.
His lips are poisonous, but fuck, I loved it.
So let's start from scratch.
I want to start with
Hello.
My.
Name.
Is.
And I want to begin at
Just.
One.
Date.
Please.
Let's forget for one day that you killed me, or that those steps you slipped on in July don't exsist.
Let me, let you live.
Or vice versa?
I'm having trouble breathing.
Call 911.
I'm letting go.


I really hate this day!
More Later...

If we aren't back in reality my Monday...

This isn't going to be about anybody all of this is going to be random unless otherwise stated:
There are things that have hardly been part of my life, but the moment I decided to admit that he was my savior, he tore me down, reminding me that nothing is as
miraculous as it may seem.
No one is who they appear to be.
And sometimes the innocent are crucified.
Star-crossed means fate.
Fate is bullshit.
I am a walking shell, and suddenly I am completely transparent.
With words you never truly know what someone means.
Not unless they give you footnotes.
I'm not worth the wait, so I understand why people would rather skip out.
I am a lush for disaster.
I force my eyes to look away and turned around to open an door.
It always rains on nights like this.
I swear the weather always reflects my moods.
Overreaction.
Its a curse.
An instinct.
A God-given talent.
Its what I do best.
I overreact.
At least that is what people keep telling me.
Lying, like overreacting, is a God-given talent.
You are either good at it, or you're not.
He was.
I was the one who bought the lies and fell in love after every "I'm sorry" card and bouquet of roses.
I was the one who overreacted.
I was the one who bought the lies about what he really did every night.
Its what I don't know that hurts me most.
I've found myself doubting more and more.
I can smile and nod my head but I'm really shaking it on the inside.
I should just have a good time.
I shouldn't care and I shouldn't let it hold me down.
But it does.
And it always will.

I am starting to feel better physically and emotionally.
Shrinks are stupid if I knew how I felt about things I wouldn't come to you.
I am still hoping that I can see Lee next month.
Hoping that this isn't mono because I can't seem to get rid of whatever it is that I have.
I hate being tired all of the time even when I haven't done anything.

more later...

I remember...

Here goes a heart felt rant:

If everyone cared & nobody cried.
If everyone loved & nobody lied.
If everyone shared & swallowed their pride.
We'd see the day when nobody lied.
I remember: the day when this came in my mind
Have you ever felt so low that it feels like your lungs have been filled with water? Have you felt that twinge, that cringe in the pit of your stomach where happiness used to flutter?
I remember: When all I've felt, is all I've delt, and their's no way you can save me.
No needle is strong enough to sew my heart back together.
No notebook can help my express my mind.
Even though my lyrics and venting in them keep me sane.
I remember: When I couldn't have anybody, not even my own shadow.
I hold the world accused, & only have myself to blame.
I remember: What it's like to feel like the world finds you guilty of being alive.
One day I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.
It still tries to beat...
Let's Li/ove forever. Or as long as we can.


Now the randomness:
I wish I felt better, being sick sucks.
I am waiting to wake up in the morning and it be gone.
I am worried about Lee she hasn't answered any of my texts today.
Boys and their hormones are driving me insane.
Still waiting to get paid.
Working at the Venue last night was fun.
The after part sucked, again with boys and their hormones.
Didn't sleep too well.
Tea isn't working today.

Top 5 songs I am listening to right now:
1.) Make Damn Sure- TBS
2.) Over My Head- The Fray
3.) Runaway- Cartel
4.) Liar- TBS
5.) Lying is the most fun...-P!ATD

Love me or hate me that is the question....
More later..

For every boy...

For every boy who made the me, the you, the us cry:
"You made me close my eyes so tightly, the tears were welling up. You aren't worth the waste of the salt, or the fucking water."
For every boy who made us too afraid to speak:
"To you, my lips are screaming pretty nothings. My ears are bleeding for want of words, fuck your words, I need actions."
For every boy who wanted to 'take a break' for another girl:
"No breaks this time, I slit the line. Your name dosen't mean a fucking thing to me anymore"
For every boy who liked to lead us on:
"So I wasn't good enough for you. It's no big deal. I've never been good enough. Not in my entire fucking life."

I still hate the way he looks at her.
It breaks my heart.
Just remember this one simple rule,
Love will tear us apart.

Maybe I am being a little overdramatic.
These words are true.
I believe them with every fiber of my being.

More later...

Up, Down, Im on the ground...

Your just a boy whos afraid of the dark.
Im just a girl sick of the lies.
Your the boy that I thought wanted more.
I was the girl foolish enough to believe it.
Your the boy that breaks hearts.
I was the girl whose heart you broke.
Your getting over me I hope, after all you wanted this.
I am getting over you, no matter how slow it is.
You could/do (of) have it all.
I am sitting here writting this out trying to get rid of the thoughts of you, boy I hope it works.
Are you going to ask for me back?
I don't think I will come back to you, but we can be friends.
You know how to get to me.
My head is spinning but I am holding on, I am free of you.
Please don't take this all wrong I need to vent it's good for me, and I know you are doing the same. Your my friend. Lets stay that way even if we need a little time.

Still sick which really sucks, I hate it.
Waiting to get paid so I can pay for things.
I hate money once I have it it's gone.
I still need sleep.
Work Thursday, shrink friday.
See I was wrong I can do this without you.
Lee your my everything lately I love you tons, you are helping me see that I can move on and don't need him.
Im free of this burden and not bind with ties of have to be someone for you that I am not.

More later.
"Love is an Epidemic"

Loaded gun...

If I knew what it was like to die, do you think someone like me would have thought about the experience?
Though, honey, I know what it's like to want to die.
How, no matter how hard you try, you just can't fit in.
How the voices of your peers ring in your mind late at night, when your boyfriend tells you he's working late, but he's really out with the one who made you cry in the school's bathroom stall.
When it hurts too much to smile, to laugh.
& how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try and kill the thing on the inside.
I know what it's like to wish he meant it when he kissed my lips, because, I could look back & remember someone loved me, but I can only look back & remember someone who said they did.
I know what it's like to look into a mirror, and not want to see yourself. How you wish you were someone else, a little bit skinnier, a little taller.
How you hate yourself, inside and out.
I know what it's like to feel surrounded, and I know what it's like to feel alone. But I understand, and have felt what it's like to feel both at the same time.
Lately, I spend too much time thinking about things that will never happen, and dressing up for a boy who will never care.
I know what it's like to feel desperate.
Just cut my heart open with a razor & we`ll call it a day, 'cause honey, I know what it's like to want to die.

Trying to stay Golden...

It was all a lie.
Every god damn word you said.
I don't need you...too much.
This hurts.
What did I do?
I wish I knew.
V-day is going to suck.
On top of it all I am sick.
No vocals for a while.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I am just walking a plank on a sinking ship.
A time bomb just waiting to go off.
I am so sorry.
I guess I just wasn't enought for you.
I need sleep, but I can never seem to get that or anything eles that I want.
I can't eat either.
I feel like a house and I haven't done anything.
I need to get away.

More later...
Is this strike 3?

Thing to smile for...

Lee: I am so glad we shared the things that we did last night.
Its great to know that we can share something like that with eachother.

Now the things to smile for today:
Getting to talk to Ashlee.
That I woke up from my sleep.
That things are still going good between me and you.
That for this split second in my life I feel like everything is going right.

So things have been so crazy lately at times this and talking to Lee are the only ways that I can get anything off of my cheast.
The future is scaring me... no not the near but the farther off.
Marriage and kids.
By the time I am 30 I want it all.
But what if something happened that prevented it?
Ok we need good thoughts.
Music...it's my escape for everything.
Writting it.
Singing it.
More or less breathing it.
It consumes me.

If you could answer this question(s) and know it would all happen would you be happy?
What do you want to do for the rest of your life?
Who will you marry and will it last?
How many kid will you have?
Will any of them be adpoted?
Will you get everything you ever wanted out of life?

These are some of the questions that I have in my head right now.
Anyone care to answer them for me?

I know that this was a rather random post but I am a rather random person.

This doesn't hurt...much...

She walks the halls.
It's no different.
She is still the outkast.
The emo reject.
Nobody looks at her, only if necessary.
Her hazel eyes are shining with tears.
Yet no one looks at her.
Perhaps if they did, they could have saved her, They would have seen the tears.
They would have seen how scared she was.
How regretful she was.
They would have seen the blood.
The blood that was dripping steadily from her wrists.
The words freshly etched there.
Fuck up.
Pain saves.
Suddenly she collapses.
Now they notice.
I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythmic beating of hearts.
It captivates me.
The only thing I focus on is the sound of the beating hearts.
Life.
It's funny how life is so connected.
The domino effect.
One things lead's to another.
What goes up, must come down.
For every action there's a reaction.
Why are there so many ways to say the same thing?

So here is me on my emo day, why I started feeling like this all of a sudden I have no idea.
Little old me and my hazel eyes feeling like there is nothing good happening to me.
I miss you.
I miss me.
I have finally started realizing that something is wrong.
Really truly wrong.
And it feels so damn bad.
I haven't been giving you all of me.
The true me.
You know what it is and pointed it out.
I feel bad.
You are going to take me to get help.
If I have you by my side I know I can do it.
Without you I will never find my way.
Mood swings are a bitch.
I need sleep.
I can't seem to do it with out you next to me.

Wow I need out of this rut!
When you judge others you don't define them... You define yourself.
~Ashley

The randomness of us...

Wow I am tired staying on the phone with you that late/early was too funny.
"no phone sex!"
Me and Lee with what we talk about. Wow! that's all I can really say.
What would happened if I died? I want Lee to break that news to you, but I don't think she will, so if not she knows who to tell and they will tell you.
Wow that's kind of depressing.
Who all needs a sound proof room when they are going at it?
I still don't know if I am going to need one.
You do Lee!
What we are going to do for our birthdays.
Dancing... but what me and you do isn't "dancing" really.
And just anything and everything from there.
I want Valentines Day to get here!
Wow I have alot of energy right now.

I think I am going to list top 5 songs being played right now:(idea from Lee)
1.) Liar- TBS
2.)Lying is the most fun...-P!ATD
3.)It's Not A Side Effect of Cocaine...- Fall Out Boy
4.)Honestly-Cartel
5.) Waiting-Green Day

¸,¡|IvI|¡,¸
1i||¡,¡||i1

KISS ME LIKE AN OVERDRAMATIC ACTOR!
~Ashley

"Operator, Operator, help me please"....

Why would you bring her up?
Are you over her or are you not?
I don't want to be dragged along.
I think you are but thoes are only thoughts.
so there is more to add onto the same dream....
I look up your standing there kissing someone eles, push her off and come running up to me and just say sorry. After that I woke up screaming no!
I don't know if this means anything at all but that's ok.
I think your right I do need to go and talk to someone.
I wish that you were home now but your not, your doing something that we both love.
Maybe I should go see mom.
I miss "our" dog as you called him last week.
I think we need to get him a friend.
I wish there was snow.
Better yet I wish I was with you.
I can't wait to take that trip with you, we are both going to need it and I know you will, to get sleep and out of the limelight.
You and Lee are the only ones keeping me standing and grounded right now.
Lee your my bestfriend and thankyou for all of the crap that you have listened too over the last week, I am sure you will hear plenty of it. Love ya sis!

more later....
"Ive got a case of 'boy that makes you weak in the knees'"... (title and end go together)

Im an addict for dramatics...

I had the dream again....
What does it all mean?
I just wish I knew what was going on in my life.
I think its going to be a rainy day, which I love but why am I not looking forward to it?
I have so much on my mind right now... that's what happens when I don't sleep.
What am I going to do?
I have so much on my mind and no one to vent it to right now other then Lee, but I feel like I keep venting to much to her, and she has enough of her own to deal with right now too.
I wish everything wasn't so hard to deal with right now.
Missing you is causing me pain, but pain that I can deal with because when I see you again I will be completely happy. You said you wanted to take me away so that it is just the two of us. You are going to get your wish, because I need to get away.
YAY for writting because today that is my escape, in a blog or lyrics it doesn't really matter I just need to get these things out.
Its these thoughts in my mind that make me wonder why you want me, you know that there are more girls out there you can have and are so much more everything then me.
I am a nobody.
I am not pretty.
I am not perfect.
I am nothing.
Yet you still want me. Why is that?
More to come today.....

Dancing as one....

So Lee is having label problems.
I am thinking I am not going to like this Josh kid.
I am judgemental I guess.
I am still going to kick your ass.
You might like that too much.
Your sailor mouth rubbed off on me again.
I hate me and my boring life.
Nothing exciting happening right at this very moment.
Do I write on this thing too much?
Writing lyrics is a waist of time right now, nothing is jumpping out at me.
I need to plan that trip to see Lee and soon.
I need a job.
I need a car.
Hell I just need some money too.
Life feels like its going downhill as I know it.
I want it to rain and be able to sit in it, let out all my emotions, and have no one know, I want to dance in it, be kissed in it.
I want snow and you to be here with the dog laying around in perfet nothingness and silence.
I want to hear from SEMO and start school now.
I just simply want to run away, be with the people that mean the most to me in my life.
I just want to be happy.

*edit* its 3 am
Dreams are happening again this time so much different. I am standing in a white dress with a black ribbon around my waist and wrist, its pretty where ever it is I am walking down this never ending walkway of roses and i finally give up in a heap of a mess and breakdown and cry. What does this all mean? I think your dream book would be good right now.

I've had a bad day again...

Not just me but Lee has also had a bad day.
I no longer have my cleaning job.
Lee got dropped from the label.
I swear when one thing happens to one of us that same day the other gets bad news as well.
Karma is a bitch.
Maybe its time to move back home.
Finding a job here is hard, but so easy up there.
I could work at the mall there but my aunt won't let us here.
Like I said me and Lee will take the world by storm, no matter what it takes.
Thankyou for Friday, it ment the world to me.
I know we didn't get alot of alone time but we made the most of it.
Yes I did steal your shirt, don't I always but you stole my shirt too(that sounds kind of bad).
It was hard to say bye this time, because who knows if it would be the last.
Laying in the bunk with you was great, the little whispers shared between us that no one eles will know.
I wish I could have gone with you, how I wish I could have.
We never really did get to watch our movie, I don't mind.
More Later....
*edit*
and now I shall continue....
I should have gone with you for the weekend now I won't see you for a few months while your out there touring on the other side of the world!
I miss you already....is that a bad thing?
Me and you we fit together like glue.
Man that was lame.
I miss home more then anything right now.
How do I tell my family that I want to go back?
Wow...why do I feel like crying? I don't really know things just seem to be so stressful today that I don't even know what to do today or anymore...time for a get away.
Am I being rather random?
oh well not feeling it once again.
Let down number 2!

*edit number 2*...... (lets see if this is going to be a let down too)
well after I have relaxed a little I have come to the conclusion that it is indeed time to get away.
Watching little kids tomorrow should be fun.
I keep wishing I was with you.
Do I keep repeating myself?
I want it to snow!
Why do I have you on the brain?

Ashlee: Help me out, I need to run away! I am glad you are always here where would I be without you? Dead I am pretty sure. You keep being there for everything. How do you deal with me? I am a basketcase! I talk about everything yet nothing to you all at once. Your my best friend.

thats all on the brain right now.

"break me down watch me fall but maybe I won't crumble at all"

kisses in the rain....

I guess I forgive too easily.
Things are better now.
He said he sorry and I forgave.
I can't wait to see him and the rest of the guys tomorrow.
It's funny how we are so much alike and because of that we knock heads because we are too stuborn.
I might only get to see you for one day but that's enough to last a lifetime for me.
I now you miss me but I miss you too more then anything.
I hate when I hear or see things about you because it makes me wonder, and then when we aren't talking it hurts.
It's funny how much my life is centered around you.
I guess at the moment my life isn't too bad it could be so much more fucked up then it is.
I wish you had been with me last night, I had to get up and sing more or less right on the spot, but thank god I got to with a friend.
As I am sitting here writting this I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for I don't know why but I am.
It's funny how much I have changed in a year.
For the better or not time will only tell.
And now for the randoms:
I love it when it rains.
I love music, but anyone can tell you that my life is music more or less.
I am so glad that I have Lee to turn to when I need someone because the people here just don't understand.
I often wonder why I moved back to Georgia because it hasn't brought me anything good.
I really hope that I find something out from SEMO and soon.
Life seems to keep going down hill.
I love you yet sometimes I wonder if ou really love me or not, somedays its hard to tell.
I hate how we hurt eachother yet you always find the words to make everything ok.
But most of all I hate me, I pick myself apart from top to bottom even when there may not be anything wrong.


"Depression is overtaking her"

You look so good in blue.....

I put up walls.
I don't let people in.
I'm afraid of being found out.
I don't want anyone to see my soft side, I don't want anyone to see me vulnerable.
Without a doubt, I expressed it through writing.
Sometimes the walls would come down, and it terrifies me. I would hastily build them, but in that haste I wouldn't do it well enough.
They have cracks and holes from the people who had seen me weak.
I guess I have you to thank for that yet another time.
I don't know if I am coming to see any of you on friday now.
So much for you ever saying you loved me because it was all a lie.
Those are the most untrue words.
Love is a lie!


I will update later.......
you got your wish you broke me down

Shine on diamond eyes...

Its the second night that I have had this dream, my cell rings, its the middle of the night and it's my father, and at that second I know something is wrong but I never get to find out what it is because I wake up gasping for air...

Any ways I was up till 4 I can never sleep.
Your eyes are haunting me.
There are days I just want to be in your arms and never leave them.
You seem to take all of the pain away.
I miss just laying with you and the dog and not having to say anything.
I always talk about you in this thing.

Ashlee: I don't know what I would do without you, your there when things get crazy, and when I just need to talk to someone. I really hope that I get to start in the fall with you. I can't wait to see you! YAY! I am sure we are going to have some crazy times.

more to come later.

"Your the MVP of heartbreak"

reading too much into things? you tell me?

So I am sitting here talking to Lee.
I thank god for her everyday she is the one true person that I could talk to and tell her everything.
Gosh, the one boy that makes me weak in the knees that I can't wait to see, I would love nothing more then to hate you.
I realize that I sound/write like you, act like you, dress like you, hell I was even asked if I worked for you.
The words you say I feel like some of them were towards me and then other times they are about others, but either way I read into it and it hurts at times.
I miss you.
I need you.
And as sad as it sounds to me, you, or anyone eles I do love you, even if we are just two fucked up people trying to find our place.
Help me out here.
I want to know where I stand.
If you don't want me around let me know because dragging me around will hurt.
I am so confused.
I am lost.
Someone please help me find my way.

I will never understand.... (maybe these could be lyrics)

So many thoughts run through my mind sadness for the one thing I'll never understand pity for myself and the fact that I know the truth.... Love is a lie, something that doesn't stay until death do us part. It comes it goes and it leaves you empty and broken. What's the point if you're eventually going to end up hurt. If it doesn't start it can't end, I need someone to break my wall crash my barrier. My faith is gone and forever I will push people away.


.... I don't want to be alone, yet I am too scared to have someone too close. So what's a girl to do?

All is fair in ______________ ?

I feel like I can never say the right words.
I sit here staring at the TV and writting these words as if it is what i am to do.
I wish I could just go away and not come back sometimes.
Its hard trying to please everyone when I can't even please myself becuase of them.
People tend to hurt me so much that I have a wall up but I so desperately wish I had someone to call my own.
I am such a sap.
I enjoy Tim Burton's movies I could watch them until the world ends.
A lot of things are running short in my life right now yet it feels like I am running a marathon.
Lately I can't sleep and I don't know why, I lay there looking up wondering will it get any better.
I am looking for boy (man) that will make my hair stand on ends, that well say I am cute or beautiful and not sexy, that knows to leave me alone when it is needed, who wants to help me with my dreams not not break be down for having them.
I want a life of music, to see the world and all the things that could happen.
Friends... what are they anyways, most people seem to want to be there if you know someone or have the money.
Life....its such a complicated thing.

AHHHHHH!

I swear I can never do anything right!
My cousin is mad at me for looking at another school.
I didn't get in at ASU why not look for another school?
I know that she wants me to stay here but I need to do what makes me happy!
Ahhh what happend to the note that said she was sorry about what happened yesterday? I guess it ment nothing to her and that upsets me I posted a blog somewhere eles about how i have been thinking about looking at SEMO and now she is mad! She posted and I quote "Thanks...I love you too. I hope you know who you are and note the sarcasum in this statement. :(" but then she took it down and still wont talk to me! Whatever go and be a two year old for all that I care, your being selfish and I have nothing to be sorry for. I hate the drama I feel like I am back in highschool all over again!


Battered and broken :(

I guess its not ment to be!

Well things with school didn't go as planned, I had to have 30 credits to transfer and only had 28 and my math COMPASS test scores were too low! So I am going to be looking at Southeast Missouri State University! So realizations in the last 24 hours.
Some colleges suck they hate to do anything to help people out.
I miss my boys so much but they are out doing something in the world that makes the little teenie girls love them.
I hate not being able to sleep because of the stresses I am under and my mind fill with the thoughts of you.
I can't love you but I would love nothing more then to be able to.
I am so pessimistic. I see the worst in everything and mostly in myself.
I want to just go outside and sit in the rain just to have all my pains washed away.
And behind my fake smile are all the things I can not say!


Lovesucks

The fabrics of me...

So lately things have been so busy around here but I still find the time to hate things around me(including myself).
So this it my first blog here I am new here...I know what a blog is got a myspace, a livejournal, buzznet, or FoE then you know what it is.
I might not be able to start my classes on Monday for vocal performance because they still havent given me the final ok even though I have done everything that they have asked me to.
I would love nothing more to be in the music business.
I fill notebooks up with lyrics that just pop in my head.
I can't sleep in fear of never waking up.
I hate disappointing people.
I pick myself apart and find every flaw.
I want to find love so badly but I always end up the one hurt.
Friends come and go and that sucks.
I am so tired of always being judged.
I hate the phrase 'there are plenty of fish in the sea'.... for fishermen there are.
Silence can be golden.
I wish I wasn't alone.
I still can't believe I moved away from my mom and step-dad to Georgia where my father lives and I don't live with him either.
I really do wish life had an easy button.
I swear that I am a blonde at heart some days.
I didn't go home for the holidays.
It's hard being a 20 year old and broke trying to figure out my way.
I wan't to move to California... I wonder if its all its cracked up to be.


~I wish I could lay in a sea of dreams forever~