I want to start over new...

I won't go back to what I felt.
That's a promise to myself and not to you this time.
I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Hoping I wouldn't disappoint.
And begging to hold on for one more day.
All I ever got out of this was less time, more hurt, and a broken state of mind.
And I never lived a moment for me.
Maybe I'd be worse, maybe I'd be better.
But at least I would know I'd lived.
Sometimes I just sigh to be sure I can still breathe.
Or to make sure my lungs still work.
Right now, I only blink to block the world out of my vision for a split second.
For just a moment, I'm free.
Freedom.
I've forgotten what that felt like.
I'm so sick of feeling the same way every day.
I don't get it.
Why can't I change my ways?
What did I do to be so different?
Did the world take a little more time to make my image?
Did everyone stop with me?
Why can't I breathe when all I've ever done is please?
And how come you prosper when all you ever did was rip me apart?
I'm tired of asking myself questions.
It's harder when you don't know the answers which I surely don't.
I'm sick of feeling miserable.
When that's all I'll ever be.
I've had enough of living life just to get by.
I want more than that now.
You could call me high maintenance.
But I'd laugh in your face.
You could bully me more than anyone.
And I'll push you right back.
That was never me before.
You called me something?
I simply answered to it, knowing it must be true if you said it.
If you tore me apart.
I'd let you because I wasn't strong.
But, it's got nothing to do with muscles.
It's got to do with your soul.
Your mind.
Your heart.
All three are struggling for me.
Stop telling me what I am.
Or what I should be.
I won't listen anymore.
If I need to go deaf to make it happen, I will.
If I need to go blind to stop seeing you, I'll do it.
If I need to to die to be happy?
Well, we won't go there.
From this day forward, I've got a new edge.
I'm the knife you never knew could hurt you.
The blood you never thought would spill.
The lies you never imagined could unfold.
So, guess what?
Now, I'll only breathe to steal the oxygen.
So when all of you can't breathe, I'll laugh.
I'll only live to live for me.
And when all of you suffer, I'll be glad.
Now when you tell me I can't.
You'll wish you never had.
I'm a monster.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a scratchout, a reject, a snitch.
I'm a follower.
I'm a rebel
I'm a lover, hater, and dweller.
I'll destroy you.
I'll lash about.
I'll stop you, drop you, and kill you.
If that's what it takes to get the hell out.

I am so tired of being here.
I want to be with Lee so bad.
Still hoping that I am going to make it there.
Mom's surgery is tomorrow so I am freaking out a little.
I keep laughing at the littlest things even when they are not funny because I am so tired from after this weekend.
It was so nice to just be away with friends.
"Your mom!....Your anus!"
Wow crazy times!

More Later...