It never goes right....

Things still can't seem to go right.
Won't be seeing Lee in March which really bums me out.
Needed an 18 on my ACT's and I only got a 17.
Listening to my head too much and not my heart.
*Edit*
Just got done laying outside and reading.
Yes I am a nerd.
I am missing so many people right now.
I want to be back home.
I want to be with Ashlee.
I also want to see the guys.
I want to find the other half of me, I hate having to wait to find him.

On the road to self-discovery.
I'm going half the speed limit.
Because I'm afraid the cops will pull me overasking for some ID.
and then I'll have to say "I'm sorry, Sir. But I'm nobody."
That's all I've ever been.
A nobody in nowhere with no one.
Hoping against hope that I'll be found.
And someone will take me in their arms and they'll whisper sweet nothings in my ear
like I've been dying to hear for years.
I don't remember what color my eyes arebecause I haven't had the courage to check in so long.
I'm so afraid that if I see myself I'll finally realize that I am pretty damn far gone.
But like I said, I'm on a road to self-discovery.
And on that road, there are cliffs.
There are oceans.
There's a bridge.
There are drifters, lovers, bikers, and loners.
Givers, takers, wanters, needers.
There is violence.
There is hope.
But most of all, there are dreams.
Oh God, what it feels like to have a dream consume you.
At first, it's beautiful then it gets worse.
Then it becomes so painful, all you want to do is let go.
And forgive.
And forget.
But I won't forget.
Even if it were possible, I wouldn't let it slip.
Misery is your best company.
Suffering is your best teacher.
Hating is your best sin.
I know all three better than I should.
Better than you ever could.
It's hard to hold on to pain.
But when you do, you go farther.
You dream larger.
And you fly higher.
It doesn't seem like that in the beginning,
but when it ends, you'll see.
Just take a look inside your heart.
Just take a moment to breathe.
On a road to self-discovery.
I'm slowly gaining speed.
I'm more confident with every tear.
I'm weaker every time I breathe.
The cops aren't on my mind.
They'll have hell trying to catch me.
I'm taking every mile like a lesson learned.
And I'm becoming good friends with my misery.
Because, we all know I'll need its company.



more later...

I want to start over new...

I won't go back to what I felt.
That's a promise to myself and not to you this time.
I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Hoping I wouldn't disappoint.
And begging to hold on for one more day.
All I ever got out of this was less time, more hurt, and a broken state of mind.
And I never lived a moment for me.
Maybe I'd be worse, maybe I'd be better.
But at least I would know I'd lived.
Sometimes I just sigh to be sure I can still breathe.
Or to make sure my lungs still work.
Right now, I only blink to block the world out of my vision for a split second.
For just a moment, I'm free.
Freedom.
I've forgotten what that felt like.
I'm so sick of feeling the same way every day.
I don't get it.
Why can't I change my ways?
What did I do to be so different?
Did the world take a little more time to make my image?
Did everyone stop with me?
Why can't I breathe when all I've ever done is please?
And how come you prosper when all you ever did was rip me apart?
I'm tired of asking myself questions.
It's harder when you don't know the answers which I surely don't.
I'm sick of feeling miserable.
When that's all I'll ever be.
I've had enough of living life just to get by.
I want more than that now.
You could call me high maintenance.
But I'd laugh in your face.
You could bully me more than anyone.
And I'll push you right back.
That was never me before.
You called me something?
I simply answered to it, knowing it must be true if you said it.
If you tore me apart.
I'd let you because I wasn't strong.
But, it's got nothing to do with muscles.
It's got to do with your soul.
Your mind.
Your heart.
All three are struggling for me.
Stop telling me what I am.
Or what I should be.
I won't listen anymore.
If I need to go deaf to make it happen, I will.
If I need to go blind to stop seeing you, I'll do it.
If I need to to die to be happy?
Well, we won't go there.
From this day forward, I've got a new edge.
I'm the knife you never knew could hurt you.
The blood you never thought would spill.
The lies you never imagined could unfold.
So, guess what?
Now, I'll only breathe to steal the oxygen.
So when all of you can't breathe, I'll laugh.
I'll only live to live for me.
And when all of you suffer, I'll be glad.
Now when you tell me I can't.
You'll wish you never had.
I'm a monster.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a scratchout, a reject, a snitch.
I'm a follower.
I'm a rebel
I'm a lover, hater, and dweller.
I'll destroy you.
I'll lash about.
I'll stop you, drop you, and kill you.
If that's what it takes to get the hell out.

I am so tired of being here.
I want to be with Lee so bad.
Still hoping that I am going to make it there.
Mom's surgery is tomorrow so I am freaking out a little.
I keep laughing at the littlest things even when they are not funny because I am so tired from after this weekend.
It was so nice to just be away with friends.
"Your mom!....Your anus!"
Wow crazy times!

More Later...

Replay the accident...

Those waves of passion.
Did they help knock you down?
If I'm too cold inside, to sad to smile,
Don't think I'll breathe when you come around.
Superstar, baby, it's what you've become.
The lines were sang, baby, bang the doldrums.
If they said, "It's love. It's in you to give,"
why did your love come attack my wrists?
You don't know me.
Baby, I don't know me.
Why does your face keeping coming around.
Just when I'm about to let go.
Stage lights, street lights.
Will you fight under them when I'm gone?
But there's so many things I've done.
You shouldn't know....
Baby, you'll never know.
If I'm too weak to be your cure.
Baby, could I be your accident?
No, but I'll keep on trying.
You know, this is more than she's ever done.


I am in one of my emo moods tonight.
I have a wonderful boy laying right here by my side.
Don't get jealous, it is not what it seems, he is more like my younger brother anyways, except he reminds me of you.
My mom's surgery got pushed back to next week, I forgot I didn't tell anyone but Lee.
Getting the money that is owed to me is beginning to be harder then I thought it would be.
Still sick how long has it been now?
Pills are looking so good right about now but I am with and talking to people that are keeping me sane at the moment.
I know that you are going to call or something to yell at me about that.
Thank god for them.
Lee I hope you are feeling and doing better, you are one of the very important people in my life and if wasn't talking to you tonight I might have done something bad.

More Later...

Randomness.......

I feel like being random all of a sudden.
I want to kiss you on the lips and tell you I'm your biggest fan, anyone that is will to have me do it.
Cockyness is not flattering, it gets old after a while.
If I act like I own the place that's becasue I do.. only not really.
I'm a sucker for acoustic.
Some things are harder than we wish, but look at the bright side something has to go right at least once.
Sometimes when people annoy me I feel like screaming I am going to punch your lights out.
Is there such a thing as danger in words when they are lyrics?
Peter Pan is miles away, and Tink is sitting right here writting to whoever god I love that movie!
Still sick hate it.
Tada thats a funny word because things don't just magically appear, maybe disappear but never appear!

ok randomness over for now...
More Later...

I don't know why I am posting this....

Nobody ever said we could end up like this.
I kissed the lips of your lies away.
I remember you told me, "love can't save you, only my new powers can," But it looks like you lied about that too.
You dropped the heart.
You broke the name.
Baby, tell me, why do you live this way?
Lips against lips,
Like hips attatched to hips.
I fell in love by accident,
You cheated on the dance floor.
Call the police man.
I think we've got ourselves a scene.
Although you seem to disagree, "This ain't a scene," But baby, it's no god damn arms race. Just a slip of my sanity.
Just a whisp from my lips.
Nobody loves me, baby.
No, not even you.
I can hang on to the phone.
I can sleep to the lullaby of the hallow dial tone.
His taste turned bittersweet.
His love had formed to lust.
Baby, don't come home to see me.
Your girl's waiting by the bus.
Forget me and my ways.
It's much easier than it seems.
I need some time to forget.
My heart has no self-esteem.
I know you know.
You know it well.
The devotion of my heart is a tool.
I wish you'd know.
That I did'nt know.
Breaking hearts never looked so cool.


I wrote this when we weren't talking. Why I am posting this I have no idea! You seem so sad all of a sudden did something happen between you and her? Please smile and don't fake it, because it hurts me so bad. I miss you! I miss the guys! Mostly I miss just laying around with you and having to say nothing and we know what the other might be thinking.

I am still sick I really want it to go away! I am finally keepng food down, which is a good thing I guess! I hate food, its not my friend!

More later....

I hate V-Day.....

Don't you feel like spinning out of control,
Screaming, begging "somebody save me,"
Baby, there's no one there.
Your home alone, again.
Do you cry from your eyes or your mouth?
If you don't want the world to see you,
Then why are you being; acting like such a hypocrite?
"I hope you choke" never meant a thing.
If you want an empty diary, go home.
Left me; leave me here, standing.
Run a knife down your wirst, does this feel like love?
Oh, you know it's not love...

Oh darling dear, I hope you "slip down the stairs" just by "accident" on that ice that "wouldn't be there in July".
Only I know the secrets between the lines.
Sometimes I think that one kiss, my only ever kiss, that I shared with you is nothing.
My lips may have been kissed once but I consider them virgins.
Because they've never been touched out of love.
Or even out of lust.
Just by accident.
My experience with lips was so brief, so quick.
Sometimes I think I imagined it.
Just a slip of fantasty.
Just a drop of what I wish was.
Just a brush of lips he'd forgotten about.
But I won't forget.
His lips are poisonous, but fuck, I loved it.
So let's start from scratch.
I want to start with
Hello.
My.
Name.
Is.
And I want to begin at
Just.
One.
Date.
Please.
Let's forget for one day that you killed me, or that those steps you slipped on in July don't exsist.
Let me, let you live.
Or vice versa?
I'm having trouble breathing.
Call 911.
I'm letting go.


I really hate this day!
More Later...

If we aren't back in reality my Monday...

This isn't going to be about anybody all of this is going to be random unless otherwise stated:
There are things that have hardly been part of my life, but the moment I decided to admit that he was my savior, he tore me down, reminding me that nothing is as
miraculous as it may seem.
No one is who they appear to be.
And sometimes the innocent are crucified.
Star-crossed means fate.
Fate is bullshit.
I am a walking shell, and suddenly I am completely transparent.
With words you never truly know what someone means.
Not unless they give you footnotes.
I'm not worth the wait, so I understand why people would rather skip out.
I am a lush for disaster.
I force my eyes to look away and turned around to open an door.
It always rains on nights like this.
I swear the weather always reflects my moods.
Overreaction.
Its a curse.
An instinct.
A God-given talent.
Its what I do best.
I overreact.
At least that is what people keep telling me.
Lying, like overreacting, is a God-given talent.
You are either good at it, or you're not.
He was.
I was the one who bought the lies and fell in love after every "I'm sorry" card and bouquet of roses.
I was the one who overreacted.
I was the one who bought the lies about what he really did every night.
Its what I don't know that hurts me most.
I've found myself doubting more and more.
I can smile and nod my head but I'm really shaking it on the inside.
I should just have a good time.
I shouldn't care and I shouldn't let it hold me down.
But it does.
And it always will.

I am starting to feel better physically and emotionally.
Shrinks are stupid if I knew how I felt about things I wouldn't come to you.
I am still hoping that I can see Lee next month.
Hoping that this isn't mono because I can't seem to get rid of whatever it is that I have.
I hate being tired all of the time even when I haven't done anything.

more later...

I remember...

Here goes a heart felt rant:

If everyone cared & nobody cried.
If everyone loved & nobody lied.
If everyone shared & swallowed their pride.
We'd see the day when nobody lied.
I remember: the day when this came in my mind
Have you ever felt so low that it feels like your lungs have been filled with water? Have you felt that twinge, that cringe in the pit of your stomach where happiness used to flutter?
I remember: When all I've felt, is all I've delt, and their's no way you can save me.
No needle is strong enough to sew my heart back together.
No notebook can help my express my mind.
Even though my lyrics and venting in them keep me sane.
I remember: When I couldn't have anybody, not even my own shadow.
I hold the world accused, & only have myself to blame.
I remember: What it's like to feel like the world finds you guilty of being alive.
One day I'll show you that place in my chest where my heart still tries to beat.
It still tries to beat...
Let's Li/ove forever. Or as long as we can.


Now the randomness:
I wish I felt better, being sick sucks.
I am waiting to wake up in the morning and it be gone.
I am worried about Lee she hasn't answered any of my texts today.
Boys and their hormones are driving me insane.
Still waiting to get paid.
Working at the Venue last night was fun.
The after part sucked, again with boys and their hormones.
Didn't sleep too well.
Tea isn't working today.

Top 5 songs I am listening to right now:
1.) Make Damn Sure- TBS
2.) Over My Head- The Fray
3.) Runaway- Cartel
4.) Liar- TBS
5.) Lying is the most fun...-P!ATD

Love me or hate me that is the question....
More later..

For every boy...

For every boy who made the me, the you, the us cry:
"You made me close my eyes so tightly, the tears were welling up. You aren't worth the waste of the salt, or the fucking water."
For every boy who made us too afraid to speak:
"To you, my lips are screaming pretty nothings. My ears are bleeding for want of words, fuck your words, I need actions."
For every boy who wanted to 'take a break' for another girl:
"No breaks this time, I slit the line. Your name dosen't mean a fucking thing to me anymore"
For every boy who liked to lead us on:
"So I wasn't good enough for you. It's no big deal. I've never been good enough. Not in my entire fucking life."

I still hate the way he looks at her.
It breaks my heart.
Just remember this one simple rule,
Love will tear us apart.

Maybe I am being a little overdramatic.
These words are true.
I believe them with every fiber of my being.

More later...

Up, Down, Im on the ground...

Your just a boy whos afraid of the dark.
Im just a girl sick of the lies.
Your the boy that I thought wanted more.
I was the girl foolish enough to believe it.
Your the boy that breaks hearts.
I was the girl whose heart you broke.
Your getting over me I hope, after all you wanted this.
I am getting over you, no matter how slow it is.
You could/do (of) have it all.
I am sitting here writting this out trying to get rid of the thoughts of you, boy I hope it works.
Are you going to ask for me back?
I don't think I will come back to you, but we can be friends.
You know how to get to me.
My head is spinning but I am holding on, I am free of you.
Please don't take this all wrong I need to vent it's good for me, and I know you are doing the same. Your my friend. Lets stay that way even if we need a little time.

Still sick which really sucks, I hate it.
Waiting to get paid so I can pay for things.
I hate money once I have it it's gone.
I still need sleep.
Work Thursday, shrink friday.
See I was wrong I can do this without you.
Lee your my everything lately I love you tons, you are helping me see that I can move on and don't need him.
Im free of this burden and not bind with ties of have to be someone for you that I am not.

More later.
"Love is an Epidemic"

Loaded gun...

If I knew what it was like to die, do you think someone like me would have thought about the experience?
Though, honey, I know what it's like to want to die.
How, no matter how hard you try, you just can't fit in.
How the voices of your peers ring in your mind late at night, when your boyfriend tells you he's working late, but he's really out with the one who made you cry in the school's bathroom stall.
When it hurts too much to smile, to laugh.
& how you hurt yourself on the outside, to try and kill the thing on the inside.
I know what it's like to wish he meant it when he kissed my lips, because, I could look back & remember someone loved me, but I can only look back & remember someone who said they did.
I know what it's like to look into a mirror, and not want to see yourself. How you wish you were someone else, a little bit skinnier, a little taller.
How you hate yourself, inside and out.
I know what it's like to feel surrounded, and I know what it's like to feel alone. But I understand, and have felt what it's like to feel both at the same time.
Lately, I spend too much time thinking about things that will never happen, and dressing up for a boy who will never care.
I know what it's like to feel desperate.
Just cut my heart open with a razor & we`ll call it a day, 'cause honey, I know what it's like to want to die.

Trying to stay Golden...

It was all a lie.
Every god damn word you said.
I don't need you...too much.
This hurts.
What did I do?
I wish I knew.
V-day is going to suck.
On top of it all I am sick.
No vocals for a while.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I am just walking a plank on a sinking ship.
A time bomb just waiting to go off.
I am so sorry.
I guess I just wasn't enought for you.
I need sleep, but I can never seem to get that or anything eles that I want.
I can't eat either.
I feel like a house and I haven't done anything.
I need to get away.

More later...
Is this strike 3?