Thing to smile for...

Lee: I am so glad we shared the things that we did last night.
Its great to know that we can share something like that with eachother.

Now the things to smile for today:
Getting to talk to Ashlee.
That I woke up from my sleep.
That things are still going good between me and you.
That for this split second in my life I feel like everything is going right.

So things have been so crazy lately at times this and talking to Lee are the only ways that I can get anything off of my cheast.
The future is scaring me... no not the near but the farther off.
Marriage and kids.
By the time I am 30 I want it all.
But what if something happened that prevented it?
Ok we need good thoughts.
Music...it's my escape for everything.
Writting it.
Singing it.
More or less breathing it.
It consumes me.

If you could answer this question(s) and know it would all happen would you be happy?
What do you want to do for the rest of your life?
Who will you marry and will it last?
How many kid will you have?
Will any of them be adpoted?
Will you get everything you ever wanted out of life?

These are some of the questions that I have in my head right now.
Anyone care to answer them for me?

I know that this was a rather random post but I am a rather random person.

This doesn't hurt...much...

She walks the halls.
It's no different.
She is still the outkast.
The emo reject.
Nobody looks at her, only if necessary.
Her hazel eyes are shining with tears.
Yet no one looks at her.
Perhaps if they did, they could have saved her, They would have seen the tears.
They would have seen how scared she was.
How regretful she was.
They would have seen the blood.
The blood that was dripping steadily from her wrists.
The words freshly etched there.
Fuck up.
Pain saves.
Suddenly she collapses.
Now they notice.
I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythmic beating of hearts.
It captivates me.
The only thing I focus on is the sound of the beating hearts.
Life.
It's funny how life is so connected.
The domino effect.
One things lead's to another.
What goes up, must come down.
For every action there's a reaction.
Why are there so many ways to say the same thing?

So here is me on my emo day, why I started feeling like this all of a sudden I have no idea.
Little old me and my hazel eyes feeling like there is nothing good happening to me.
I miss you.
I miss me.
I have finally started realizing that something is wrong.
Really truly wrong.
And it feels so damn bad.
I haven't been giving you all of me.
The true me.
You know what it is and pointed it out.
I feel bad.
You are going to take me to get help.
If I have you by my side I know I can do it.
Without you I will never find my way.
Mood swings are a bitch.
I need sleep.
I can't seem to do it with out you next to me.

Wow I need out of this rut!
When you judge others you don't define them... You define yourself.
~Ashley

The randomness of us...

Wow I am tired staying on the phone with you that late/early was too funny.
"no phone sex!"
Me and Lee with what we talk about. Wow! that's all I can really say.
What would happened if I died? I want Lee to break that news to you, but I don't think she will, so if not she knows who to tell and they will tell you.
Wow that's kind of depressing.
Who all needs a sound proof room when they are going at it?
I still don't know if I am going to need one.
You do Lee!
What we are going to do for our birthdays.
Dancing... but what me and you do isn't "dancing" really.
And just anything and everything from there.
I want Valentines Day to get here!
Wow I have alot of energy right now.

I think I am going to list top 5 songs being played right now:(idea from Lee)
1.) Liar- TBS
2.)Lying is the most fun...-P!ATD
3.)It's Not A Side Effect of Cocaine...- Fall Out Boy
4.)Honestly-Cartel
5.) Waiting-Green Day

¸,¡|IvI|¡,¸
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KISS ME LIKE AN OVERDRAMATIC ACTOR!
~Ashley

"Operator, Operator, help me please"....

Why would you bring her up?
Are you over her or are you not?
I don't want to be dragged along.
I think you are but thoes are only thoughts.
so there is more to add onto the same dream....
I look up your standing there kissing someone eles, push her off and come running up to me and just say sorry. After that I woke up screaming no!
I don't know if this means anything at all but that's ok.
I think your right I do need to go and talk to someone.
I wish that you were home now but your not, your doing something that we both love.
Maybe I should go see mom.
I miss "our" dog as you called him last week.
I think we need to get him a friend.
I wish there was snow.
Better yet I wish I was with you.
I can't wait to take that trip with you, we are both going to need it and I know you will, to get sleep and out of the limelight.
You and Lee are the only ones keeping me standing and grounded right now.
Lee your my bestfriend and thankyou for all of the crap that you have listened too over the last week, I am sure you will hear plenty of it. Love ya sis!

more later....
"Ive got a case of 'boy that makes you weak in the knees'"... (title and end go together)

Im an addict for dramatics...

I had the dream again....
What does it all mean?
I just wish I knew what was going on in my life.
I think its going to be a rainy day, which I love but why am I not looking forward to it?
I have so much on my mind right now... that's what happens when I don't sleep.
What am I going to do?
I have so much on my mind and no one to vent it to right now other then Lee, but I feel like I keep venting to much to her, and she has enough of her own to deal with right now too.
I wish everything wasn't so hard to deal with right now.
Missing you is causing me pain, but pain that I can deal with because when I see you again I will be completely happy. You said you wanted to take me away so that it is just the two of us. You are going to get your wish, because I need to get away.
YAY for writting because today that is my escape, in a blog or lyrics it doesn't really matter I just need to get these things out.
Its these thoughts in my mind that make me wonder why you want me, you know that there are more girls out there you can have and are so much more everything then me.
I am a nobody.
I am not pretty.
I am not perfect.
I am nothing.
Yet you still want me. Why is that?
More to come today.....

Dancing as one....

So Lee is having label problems.
I am thinking I am not going to like this Josh kid.
I am judgemental I guess.
I am still going to kick your ass.
You might like that too much.
Your sailor mouth rubbed off on me again.
I hate me and my boring life.
Nothing exciting happening right at this very moment.
Do I write on this thing too much?
Writing lyrics is a waist of time right now, nothing is jumpping out at me.
I need to plan that trip to see Lee and soon.
I need a job.
I need a car.
Hell I just need some money too.
Life feels like its going downhill as I know it.
I want it to rain and be able to sit in it, let out all my emotions, and have no one know, I want to dance in it, be kissed in it.
I want snow and you to be here with the dog laying around in perfet nothingness and silence.
I want to hear from SEMO and start school now.
I just simply want to run away, be with the people that mean the most to me in my life.
I just want to be happy.

*edit* its 3 am
Dreams are happening again this time so much different. I am standing in a white dress with a black ribbon around my waist and wrist, its pretty where ever it is I am walking down this never ending walkway of roses and i finally give up in a heap of a mess and breakdown and cry. What does this all mean? I think your dream book would be good right now.

I've had a bad day again...

Not just me but Lee has also had a bad day.
I no longer have my cleaning job.
Lee got dropped from the label.
I swear when one thing happens to one of us that same day the other gets bad news as well.
Karma is a bitch.
Maybe its time to move back home.
Finding a job here is hard, but so easy up there.
I could work at the mall there but my aunt won't let us here.
Like I said me and Lee will take the world by storm, no matter what it takes.
Thankyou for Friday, it ment the world to me.
I know we didn't get alot of alone time but we made the most of it.
Yes I did steal your shirt, don't I always but you stole my shirt too(that sounds kind of bad).
It was hard to say bye this time, because who knows if it would be the last.
Laying in the bunk with you was great, the little whispers shared between us that no one eles will know.
I wish I could have gone with you, how I wish I could have.
We never really did get to watch our movie, I don't mind.
More Later....
*edit*
and now I shall continue....
I should have gone with you for the weekend now I won't see you for a few months while your out there touring on the other side of the world!
I miss you already....is that a bad thing?
Me and you we fit together like glue.
Man that was lame.
I miss home more then anything right now.
How do I tell my family that I want to go back?
Wow...why do I feel like crying? I don't really know things just seem to be so stressful today that I don't even know what to do today or anymore...time for a get away.
Am I being rather random?
oh well not feeling it once again.
Let down number 2!

*edit number 2*...... (lets see if this is going to be a let down too)
well after I have relaxed a little I have come to the conclusion that it is indeed time to get away.
Watching little kids tomorrow should be fun.
I keep wishing I was with you.
Do I keep repeating myself?
I want it to snow!
Why do I have you on the brain?

Ashlee: Help me out, I need to run away! I am glad you are always here where would I be without you? Dead I am pretty sure. You keep being there for everything. How do you deal with me? I am a basketcase! I talk about everything yet nothing to you all at once. Your my best friend.

thats all on the brain right now.

"break me down watch me fall but maybe I won't crumble at all"

kisses in the rain....

I guess I forgive too easily.
Things are better now.
He said he sorry and I forgave.
I can't wait to see him and the rest of the guys tomorrow.
It's funny how we are so much alike and because of that we knock heads because we are too stuborn.
I might only get to see you for one day but that's enough to last a lifetime for me.
I now you miss me but I miss you too more then anything.
I hate when I hear or see things about you because it makes me wonder, and then when we aren't talking it hurts.
It's funny how much my life is centered around you.
I guess at the moment my life isn't too bad it could be so much more fucked up then it is.
I wish you had been with me last night, I had to get up and sing more or less right on the spot, but thank god I got to with a friend.
As I am sitting here writting this I am thinking of all the things I am thankful for I don't know why but I am.
It's funny how much I have changed in a year.
For the better or not time will only tell.
And now for the randoms:
I love it when it rains.
I love music, but anyone can tell you that my life is music more or less.
I am so glad that I have Lee to turn to when I need someone because the people here just don't understand.
I often wonder why I moved back to Georgia because it hasn't brought me anything good.
I really hope that I find something out from SEMO and soon.
Life seems to keep going down hill.
I love you yet sometimes I wonder if ou really love me or not, somedays its hard to tell.
I hate how we hurt eachother yet you always find the words to make everything ok.
But most of all I hate me, I pick myself apart from top to bottom even when there may not be anything wrong.


"Depression is overtaking her"

You look so good in blue.....

I put up walls.
I don't let people in.
I'm afraid of being found out.
I don't want anyone to see my soft side, I don't want anyone to see me vulnerable.
Without a doubt, I expressed it through writing.
Sometimes the walls would come down, and it terrifies me. I would hastily build them, but in that haste I wouldn't do it well enough.
They have cracks and holes from the people who had seen me weak.
I guess I have you to thank for that yet another time.
I don't know if I am coming to see any of you on friday now.
So much for you ever saying you loved me because it was all a lie.
Those are the most untrue words.
Love is a lie!


I will update later.......
you got your wish you broke me down

Shine on diamond eyes...

Its the second night that I have had this dream, my cell rings, its the middle of the night and it's my father, and at that second I know something is wrong but I never get to find out what it is because I wake up gasping for air...

Any ways I was up till 4 I can never sleep.
Your eyes are haunting me.
There are days I just want to be in your arms and never leave them.
You seem to take all of the pain away.
I miss just laying with you and the dog and not having to say anything.
I always talk about you in this thing.

Ashlee: I don't know what I would do without you, your there when things get crazy, and when I just need to talk to someone. I really hope that I get to start in the fall with you. I can't wait to see you! YAY! I am sure we are going to have some crazy times.

more to come later.

"Your the MVP of heartbreak"

reading too much into things? you tell me?

So I am sitting here talking to Lee.
I thank god for her everyday she is the one true person that I could talk to and tell her everything.
Gosh, the one boy that makes me weak in the knees that I can't wait to see, I would love nothing more then to hate you.
I realize that I sound/write like you, act like you, dress like you, hell I was even asked if I worked for you.
The words you say I feel like some of them were towards me and then other times they are about others, but either way I read into it and it hurts at times.
I miss you.
I need you.
And as sad as it sounds to me, you, or anyone eles I do love you, even if we are just two fucked up people trying to find our place.
Help me out here.
I want to know where I stand.
If you don't want me around let me know because dragging me around will hurt.
I am so confused.
I am lost.
Someone please help me find my way.

I will never understand.... (maybe these could be lyrics)

So many thoughts run through my mind sadness for the one thing I'll never understand pity for myself and the fact that I know the truth.... Love is a lie, something that doesn't stay until death do us part. It comes it goes and it leaves you empty and broken. What's the point if you're eventually going to end up hurt. If it doesn't start it can't end, I need someone to break my wall crash my barrier. My faith is gone and forever I will push people away.


.... I don't want to be alone, yet I am too scared to have someone too close. So what's a girl to do?

All is fair in ______________ ?

I feel like I can never say the right words.
I sit here staring at the TV and writting these words as if it is what i am to do.
I wish I could just go away and not come back sometimes.
Its hard trying to please everyone when I can't even please myself becuase of them.
People tend to hurt me so much that I have a wall up but I so desperately wish I had someone to call my own.
I am such a sap.
I enjoy Tim Burton's movies I could watch them until the world ends.
A lot of things are running short in my life right now yet it feels like I am running a marathon.
Lately I can't sleep and I don't know why, I lay there looking up wondering will it get any better.
I am looking for boy (man) that will make my hair stand on ends, that well say I am cute or beautiful and not sexy, that knows to leave me alone when it is needed, who wants to help me with my dreams not not break be down for having them.
I want a life of music, to see the world and all the things that could happen.
Friends... what are they anyways, most people seem to want to be there if you know someone or have the money.
Life....its such a complicated thing.

AHHHHHH!

I swear I can never do anything right!
My cousin is mad at me for looking at another school.
I didn't get in at ASU why not look for another school?
I know that she wants me to stay here but I need to do what makes me happy!
Ahhh what happend to the note that said she was sorry about what happened yesterday? I guess it ment nothing to her and that upsets me I posted a blog somewhere eles about how i have been thinking about looking at SEMO and now she is mad! She posted and I quote "Thanks...I love you too. I hope you know who you are and note the sarcasum in this statement. :(" but then she took it down and still wont talk to me! Whatever go and be a two year old for all that I care, your being selfish and I have nothing to be sorry for. I hate the drama I feel like I am back in highschool all over again!


Battered and broken :(

I guess its not ment to be!

Well things with school didn't go as planned, I had to have 30 credits to transfer and only had 28 and my math COMPASS test scores were too low! So I am going to be looking at Southeast Missouri State University! So realizations in the last 24 hours.
Some colleges suck they hate to do anything to help people out.
I miss my boys so much but they are out doing something in the world that makes the little teenie girls love them.
I hate not being able to sleep because of the stresses I am under and my mind fill with the thoughts of you.
I can't love you but I would love nothing more then to be able to.
I am so pessimistic. I see the worst in everything and mostly in myself.
I want to just go outside and sit in the rain just to have all my pains washed away.
And behind my fake smile are all the things I can not say!


Lovesucks

The fabrics of me...

So lately things have been so busy around here but I still find the time to hate things around me(including myself).
So this it my first blog here I am new here...I know what a blog is got a myspace, a livejournal, buzznet, or FoE then you know what it is.
I might not be able to start my classes on Monday for vocal performance because they still havent given me the final ok even though I have done everything that they have asked me to.
I would love nothing more to be in the music business.
I fill notebooks up with lyrics that just pop in my head.
I can't sleep in fear of never waking up.
I hate disappointing people.
I pick myself apart and find every flaw.
I want to find love so badly but I always end up the one hurt.
Friends come and go and that sucks.
I am so tired of always being judged.
I hate the phrase 'there are plenty of fish in the sea'.... for fishermen there are.
Silence can be golden.
I wish I wasn't alone.
I still can't believe I moved away from my mom and step-dad to Georgia where my father lives and I don't live with him either.
I really do wish life had an easy button.
I swear that I am a blonde at heart some days.
I didn't go home for the holidays.
It's hard being a 20 year old and broke trying to figure out my way.
I wan't to move to California... I wonder if its all its cracked up to be.


~I wish I could lay in a sea of dreams forever~