Thoes little imperfections
make you beautiful, loveable, valueable
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are....
Freckles- Natasha Bedingfield
As everyone know, this past Sunday I turned 24! Happy Birthday to me! With it comes some new realizations. I'm me. There's nothing anyone can or will do to change that. Yes things that people say hurt, I also know that I get defensive a lot when I feel people are attacking me. I need to stop that though. It also got me to thinking. Yes I know that's a scary thing! Haha. In all honesty though, it's time to start being comfortable in my skin, or at least trying to get there.
There's a few goals that I've set for myself this year. Get my own place. Be healthy and do it the right way. Save money as much as I can, shop less, budget more. If I do all of that I'll be golden. It's time to get out and spread my wings. I'm ready for it!
Well....I know this was short, but family time calls! Have a good week everyone.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
memories of times so deep...
Upon reading an amazing womans post Liz Anne Hill, who is seriously stronger then she know's I've decided to post things about my own self and past. It's going to be hard to do, but theraputic.
Most people don't know this, but when I turned 15 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was a really bad time for me honestly. You start thinking about the things that you may never see, never do, and never have. I had it all through highschool, and even missed homecoming my senior year. I gain tons of weight from the chemo tablets because I didn't want to lose my hair, that was the one thing I wasn't going to let happen. My second week of college I had a major flair up and miss about three days of classes. I was quickly put back on something for inflammation that I still take everyday and I'm getting ready to turn 24 this weekend. It's hard some days I'll admit. When I have bad day's they're really bad.
This part is going to seem random, but you'll see how it all ties in. When I was about 4, I walked in on my mother in the bathroom. She was hunched over the toilet and I didn't understand why she was sticking her finger down her throat. A few days later...I was caught doing the same thing my mom had been, and at that point didn't do it again.
I've always realized I was a little bigger then most of the girls around me. I've always swore that I would never take the same path as my mom did...however I failed. My second semester of college I was really depressed. In one week I had three people die, two family members and even my own god father. One to cancer, anther to a heart attack, and one to old age. I was hating myself for all the weight I had gained from the chemo. I'd eat and feel like the ugliest person in the world. So...I'd eat but then within a matter of minutes I'd be in the bathroom emptying the contents in my stomach, so I was 19 then. I lost about 25 pounds to the point that my clothes were baggy but tried covering it up with wearing bulky clothes because I didn't want people to realize. I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I was hours from home and people that I knew from the time I was 10. When the year was done, my mom even noticed. Nothing like not having an ass in jeans that you should have them in. I played it off for the longest time, before one night I just couldn't do it anymore. My bestfriend Ami was there, she's the only one that knows it all. I told her everything and I'm thankful that I did. She was there with me when I told my mom and yes I did go through theraphy for a few months.
There's days I still look at myself and just go ewww. I'm being really careful about what I eat anymore, I exercise when I can. I've never really shared with anyone all of this. It's time to let it all out though. Some people will be like...wow really? I never would have guessed. Other's may hate on me, but really it doesn't much matter now. I'm doing better then I was. There's still days like I said, but one day at a time I'm getting stronger, learning to hold my head up and say "don't like it, don't look."
more later....
AshleyRockstar <3
Most people don't know this, but when I turned 15 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was a really bad time for me honestly. You start thinking about the things that you may never see, never do, and never have. I had it all through highschool, and even missed homecoming my senior year. I gain tons of weight from the chemo tablets because I didn't want to lose my hair, that was the one thing I wasn't going to let happen. My second week of college I had a major flair up and miss about three days of classes. I was quickly put back on something for inflammation that I still take everyday and I'm getting ready to turn 24 this weekend. It's hard some days I'll admit. When I have bad day's they're really bad.
This part is going to seem random, but you'll see how it all ties in. When I was about 4, I walked in on my mother in the bathroom. She was hunched over the toilet and I didn't understand why she was sticking her finger down her throat. A few days later...I was caught doing the same thing my mom had been, and at that point didn't do it again.
I've always realized I was a little bigger then most of the girls around me. I've always swore that I would never take the same path as my mom did...however I failed. My second semester of college I was really depressed. In one week I had three people die, two family members and even my own god father. One to cancer, anther to a heart attack, and one to old age. I was hating myself for all the weight I had gained from the chemo. I'd eat and feel like the ugliest person in the world. So...I'd eat but then within a matter of minutes I'd be in the bathroom emptying the contents in my stomach, so I was 19 then. I lost about 25 pounds to the point that my clothes were baggy but tried covering it up with wearing bulky clothes because I didn't want people to realize. I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I was hours from home and people that I knew from the time I was 10. When the year was done, my mom even noticed. Nothing like not having an ass in jeans that you should have them in. I played it off for the longest time, before one night I just couldn't do it anymore. My bestfriend Ami was there, she's the only one that knows it all. I told her everything and I'm thankful that I did. She was there with me when I told my mom and yes I did go through theraphy for a few months.
There's days I still look at myself and just go ewww. I'm being really careful about what I eat anymore, I exercise when I can. I've never really shared with anyone all of this. It's time to let it all out though. Some people will be like...wow really? I never would have guessed. Other's may hate on me, but really it doesn't much matter now. I'm doing better then I was. There's still days like I said, but one day at a time I'm getting stronger, learning to hold my head up and say "don't like it, don't look."
more later....
AshleyRockstar <3
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
MIA
I'm not even going to say sorry about being away this time. I've known this was here, I've come to read all of my past entries when I've felt the need to. I'm going to start this up again. I need to, because sometimes this is the only place that I can let it all out, or even be creative. I hope whoever reads this will see a little part of me. The good, the bad, the in-between. Feel free to leave me comments, love, hate, anything. I really wanted to change the name of my blog link, but I don't think I can or know how to, so until I do it's going to stay the same. Is there something you want me to share or write about? Leave it in comments and I'll be sure to get to it. Tons of things will be coming at you soon!
AshleyRockstar!
AshleyRockstar!
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