Grrrrr....

I'm not even going to say sorry about being away for so long. I'm at school now and things are so stressful. I found out my roommate went to the RA because I snore and I didn't even know it. I also found out that because finacial aid is stupid that they still have yet to approve anything, so everything that I have worked so hard to do and know that it could be taken away within a week is killing me. My dad can't be approved for a loan and my mom is trying but I don't think that is going to work either. I have never wanted to drink so much in my life. I've never wanted to pick up a phone and call him to come and hold me to take everything away as much as I do. I've never wanted to scream, punch or even thought about doing something that I haven't done in so long, as I do this very moment. I'm so stressed and feel so boxed in that I can barely breathe. Everything seems to come crashing down at one time that it's not even funny. I don't know were to turn or where to go. Its funny how much I try to fake being happy when I am so stressed. There are times when I think some people don't even realize it. I know I have started to show the wears and tares of it but its all been eating at me and now I can't hide behind my fake smile and laugh anymore. It's taking too much out of me. I didn't sleep last night because of dealing with all of this. I just feel like I need to get away already.

Ashley Rockstar....(I don't really fell like a rockstar right now though)

Wow...

Gosh I haven't posted anything here in a long time. HAHA! I'm so bad about it.
So things are in place for SEMO! YAY! I can't wait to be able to hang with Lee all the time. So I got to go to PA for three weeks. God it was great to be home for the first time in over a year. Going back for the holidays before I head off to school. So this is short but I will update more later.....
AshleyRockstar!

Four words to choke on.....

You ever find yourself floating away from someone you're talking to? Like, you can see them forming words with their mouth, but for the life of you, you can't hear them. Or maybe you can, but it's in a different language. You stop talking because you don't remember what you were talking about in the first place.


Your brain shuts down. A movie comes on. It's very slow and it always catches you by surprise. This unnamed feeling comes over you as you watch yourself as a child. In your head the movie plays a small clip of something you can't ever forget. So you sit there, unable to communicate to the person before you, for you can't see them anyway. Only the movie.


A child runs in the backyard. It's you. You're chasing you're dog. You're laughing. A somber smile finds your lips as you watch yourself play. At first you feel the joy of that precious childhood moment. And then you remember that moment. Then you realize it was the last time you felt that kind of joy. That innocence. That freedom. That blissful ignorance of the hateful world around you. You were a child. You were happy. You were carefree. Your soul will never forget that fire of childlike innocence. Memories. Close and distant.


Now you feel that yearning. When that movie plays in all of us, the past is the present. This is everyone's movie. There is no 'snapping out of your thoughts'. Only a gradual fading of emotions. Emotions that had paralyzed your entire being so you could watch this movie again. Now you can speak. Now you can hear that someone is talking to you. Maybe you interrupt them, or maybe you don't. But we all say the same thing.

Im so sick of everything....

"Every night I fall.. waiting for the world to end."



I'm so sick of my life falling apart all around me over and over again. I'm sick of sitting by and watching things I cannot change. I'm sick of being told things will be okay when they won't be. I'm sick of being trapped I want to be free. I'm sick of trying to fight. I'm sick of swimming in the never-ending sea of sorrows. I'm sick of trying to stay above the water, but drowning anyway. I'm sick of hiding how I feel. I'm sick of faking every smile. I'm sick of saying I'm dandy, when I'm not. I'm sick of keeping back my tears. I'm sick of holding back my screams. I'm sick of living this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me my life isn't that bad. I'm sick of people saying it could be worse. I'm just so sick of everything.



It's sad that I'm only 20 years old and yet in my heart I feel as if I'm 50 because of all the things I've been through.



I want to break free.

Broken....

I try to hold on to better times
When I believed in myself
When I was so full of hope
When I thought I could achieve everything
When I felt like nothing could ever bring me down again

Cause now there’s nothing that can lift me up
My life is all fucked up again
Just like everything I do is wrong
I wonder if there’s a point in carrying on at all
The days when I used to stand tall are now gone

I can’t do anything on my own
And I don’t get along with the world
I don’t have faith in myself
No one hears my insides cry so loud
Once I used to hope for a happy future
But there’s no one around to lend a hand

I’m left all alone and feeling so lost
How can I go on?
Seems like I haven’t found my way
One I could see it from a distance
But these days are gone.

I never knew that it could be so damn hard
To heal one’s wounds
Still I’m trying to save myself
But I just can’t make it on my own
I’m dying everytime I’m all alone.




Still stuck in the house. Getting to go to whitewater possibly on Tuesday... but I don't see that happening. If not I am breaking out on the 4th of July and going to the park or something. My writting is starting to come back a little I haven't done too much. I miss Lee and the K-town crew. I love ya'll. I found Dirty's song in my note book today and just cried. I miss being with people, it's like I am not connected to the world anymore. Sure I have the internet, tv, and cell phone... but thats different then being with people face to face. My vocals are crap right now because I haven't been singing in a while. but here's a let down for you.


More Later....
<3 AshleyRockstar

Save me from this craziness....

Gosh my grandmother makes me so mad sometimes. She acts like I am still 10 or something and I don't know how to do anything. I could have slept for another hour but no she loves making my life hell. I have been up since 6:45 and my dad was still sleeping! I have been stuck in this house since Thursday and it is driving me nuts. SOMEONE SAVE ME! I know I have to take care of my dad and all but it would be nice just to go outside for at least 15 minutes of the day. But do I get to do that? NO!!!!!! Its not like my dad is going to break if I leave for an hour. I have checks that need to be cashed, things that I need to do... but will that be happening anytime soon? Doubt it. I wish I could see my mom, I haven't seen her in 8 months and it really sucks. I have things up in PA that I need to bring down for school and all too. Looks like things just aren't going my way lately and I wish they were. I really think I need to start seeing the therapist again. Im starting to get depressed and everone keeps asking if Im ok and I just put on a fake smile and say Im fine, when in reality Im not, but how are you supposed to tell the people around you that?

More Later...
AshleyRockstar