This place tastes like suicide.
Blood.
Tears.
Failure.
& Depression.
And these pills never were so tempting.
It's the newest fashion of '07.
Death never looked so good on me.
It makes my hips slimer.
And my eyes more blue.
Everyone around me is giving it a try.
They take pills like they're just drugs.
They pop pills like they're candy.
Party when the funeral ends!
But the funeral never stops.
No matter what you do
You'll still see girls in black dresses
And little boys tugging at their ties.
I want to join in.
I'm tired of this fucking world.
A world where nothing goes right.
Where everyone keeps turning their back of me.
Where no one cares where they sleep at night.
Don't leave me here in this dark world.
I need your light to guide me.
Don't leave me here in this sick world.
I'll need your comfort to help me.
Don't leave me here in this cold world.
I'll freeze without your warmth.
These pills can't keep me warm.
But they keep tricking me into thinking they will.
I won't do it.
Yes, you will.
I can't do it.
Yes, you can.
I am fucking sick of being left.
In this cold, dark, sick world.
With no one.
With no explanations.
With no good-byes.
You do it one more time?
And it'll be my turn.
Friday, March 23, 2007
And yet you still can't be happy...
Can you never be happy for me?
I tell you things thinking that you would be happy for me and all I get back is yelling. You telling me it's not a good idea. What about my dreams? You already have yours. I haven't slept and now I am sick from the stress. Lord knows I don't need it, I am always sick enough. Are you worried something is going to happen with the guys? That would never happen. But then again why should you care anyways?
I'm going to lay down. More Later....
I tell you things thinking that you would be happy for me and all I get back is yelling. You telling me it's not a good idea. What about my dreams? You already have yours. I haven't slept and now I am sick from the stress. Lord knows I don't need it, I am always sick enough. Are you worried something is going to happen with the guys? That would never happen. But then again why should you care anyways?
I'm going to lay down. More Later....
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Life when we were young....
If life could stay as it was when we were young.
When boys had cooties and girls were just icky.
When all we needed was candy and a t.v. to make us happy.
When the worst things we did was yelling at our little brother and the worst punishment we ever got was an early bedtime.
It was a time when the toughest descions we had were picking teams for tag and when money was only useful for toys.
It was a wonderful time when hugs solved anything and family ment everything.
When we were young death was not understood and pain could not truely be described.
Look at us and see what we have become. See how we are in a world of lost hope.
Where life just means pain and suffering and happiness is only a blurry dream.
Where high school is a prison full of messed up people and crazy teachers.
We now live in a wrold where money means more drugs and people hate themselves because they don't look like the girl on the cover of the magizine.
Where people feel the only way to escape their pain is to hurt themselves.
In this world we are pressured to be people we're not.
How could I have become this girl who can't even look in the mirror because she knows she'll just cry?
How could people I've known since kindergarden be smoking pot or cutting their wrists?
When we were young we could laugh and joke around saying we'd never do those things, but when things like alcohol and suicide are starring at us in the face we just give in.
When we were young most of us were safe. We had high hopes and dreams and hearts of gold. I wish I could go back to those years of my childhood where I didn't have to be afraid of life.
When boys had cooties and girls were just icky.
When all we needed was candy and a t.v. to make us happy.
When the worst things we did was yelling at our little brother and the worst punishment we ever got was an early bedtime.
It was a time when the toughest descions we had were picking teams for tag and when money was only useful for toys.
It was a wonderful time when hugs solved anything and family ment everything.
When we were young death was not understood and pain could not truely be described.
Look at us and see what we have become. See how we are in a world of lost hope.
Where life just means pain and suffering and happiness is only a blurry dream.
Where high school is a prison full of messed up people and crazy teachers.
We now live in a wrold where money means more drugs and people hate themselves because they don't look like the girl on the cover of the magizine.
Where people feel the only way to escape their pain is to hurt themselves.
In this world we are pressured to be people we're not.
How could I have become this girl who can't even look in the mirror because she knows she'll just cry?
How could people I've known since kindergarden be smoking pot or cutting their wrists?
When we were young we could laugh and joke around saying we'd never do those things, but when things like alcohol and suicide are starring at us in the face we just give in.
When we were young most of us were safe. We had high hopes and dreams and hearts of gold. I wish I could go back to those years of my childhood where I didn't have to be afraid of life.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
When Die-monds Fall From The Sky
Lay back, baby.
Relax your mind.
Though, sleep never comes to your eyes.
Can you feel the pulse,
The pulse of my wrist?
Hell, the world already knows,
How you left me like this.
I am the obsessed.
You are the obsessor.
Dreams are for beleivers.
And I can't beleive...
Emotions running high.
Like late night in the basement.
Lips quiver, hearts break.
How many pills should I take?
My prescription's expired.
How could you know?
Faux affection.
Good intention.
That's not a crack through a muscle.
That's a break in my heart.
Teardrops fall.
One by one.
Have you been counting?
I have.
This is how I pass my time.
Repeating all of your clever lines.
Over and over,
You take over my mind.
What's sympathy among enemies?
Hell, what's a hug between friends?
When your compassion is false.
All you ever wanted was a good night reaction.
Well, I'll tell you,
I can't see any stars in your eyes.
There filled with die-monds.
Baby, die-monds.
My eyes are lined with black.
You wonder, 'what is that?'
The charcoal makes me seem ob-scene.
But baby, why do you care?
You won't stare into the eyes,
Of your lower-class lover.
And I can't help but wonder...
Why not me, but another?
Relax your mind.
Though, sleep never comes to your eyes.
Can you feel the pulse,
The pulse of my wrist?
Hell, the world already knows,
How you left me like this.
I am the obsessed.
You are the obsessor.
Dreams are for beleivers.
And I can't beleive...
Emotions running high.
Like late night in the basement.
Lips quiver, hearts break.
How many pills should I take?
My prescription's expired.
How could you know?
Faux affection.
Good intention.
That's not a crack through a muscle.
That's a break in my heart.
Teardrops fall.
One by one.
Have you been counting?
I have.
This is how I pass my time.
Repeating all of your clever lines.
Over and over,
You take over my mind.
What's sympathy among enemies?
Hell, what's a hug between friends?
When your compassion is false.
All you ever wanted was a good night reaction.
Well, I'll tell you,
I can't see any stars in your eyes.
There filled with die-monds.
Baby, die-monds.
My eyes are lined with black.
You wonder, 'what is that?'
The charcoal makes me seem ob-scene.
But baby, why do you care?
You won't stare into the eyes,
Of your lower-class lover.
And I can't help but wonder...
Why not me, but another?
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
It never goes right....
Things still can't seem to go right.
Won't be seeing Lee in March which really bums me out.
Needed an 18 on my ACT's and I only got a 17.
Listening to my head too much and not my heart.
*Edit*
Just got done laying outside and reading.
Yes I am a nerd.
I am missing so many people right now.
I want to be back home.
I want to be with Ashlee.
I also want to see the guys.
I want to find the other half of me, I hate having to wait to find him.
On the road to self-discovery.
I'm going half the speed limit.
Because I'm afraid the cops will pull me overasking for some ID.
and then I'll have to say "I'm sorry, Sir. But I'm nobody."
That's all I've ever been.
A nobody in nowhere with no one.
Hoping against hope that I'll be found.
And someone will take me in their arms and they'll whisper sweet nothings in my ear
like I've been dying to hear for years.
I don't remember what color my eyes arebecause I haven't had the courage to check in so long.
I'm so afraid that if I see myself I'll finally realize that I am pretty damn far gone.
But like I said, I'm on a road to self-discovery.
And on that road, there are cliffs.
There are oceans.
There's a bridge.
There are drifters, lovers, bikers, and loners.
Givers, takers, wanters, needers.
There is violence.
There is hope.
But most of all, there are dreams.
Oh God, what it feels like to have a dream consume you.
At first, it's beautiful then it gets worse.
Then it becomes so painful, all you want to do is let go.
And forgive.
And forget.
But I won't forget.
Even if it were possible, I wouldn't let it slip.
Misery is your best company.
Suffering is your best teacher.
Hating is your best sin.
I know all three better than I should.
Better than you ever could.
It's hard to hold on to pain.
But when you do, you go farther.
You dream larger.
And you fly higher.
It doesn't seem like that in the beginning,
but when it ends, you'll see.
Just take a look inside your heart.
Just take a moment to breathe.
On a road to self-discovery.
I'm slowly gaining speed.
I'm more confident with every tear.
I'm weaker every time I breathe.
The cops aren't on my mind.
They'll have hell trying to catch me.
I'm taking every mile like a lesson learned.
And I'm becoming good friends with my misery.
Because, we all know I'll need its company.
more later...
Won't be seeing Lee in March which really bums me out.
Needed an 18 on my ACT's and I only got a 17.
Listening to my head too much and not my heart.
*Edit*
Just got done laying outside and reading.
Yes I am a nerd.
I am missing so many people right now.
I want to be back home.
I want to be with Ashlee.
I also want to see the guys.
I want to find the other half of me, I hate having to wait to find him.
On the road to self-discovery.
I'm going half the speed limit.
Because I'm afraid the cops will pull me overasking for some ID.
and then I'll have to say "I'm sorry, Sir. But I'm nobody."
That's all I've ever been.
A nobody in nowhere with no one.
Hoping against hope that I'll be found.
And someone will take me in their arms and they'll whisper sweet nothings in my ear
like I've been dying to hear for years.
I don't remember what color my eyes arebecause I haven't had the courage to check in so long.
I'm so afraid that if I see myself I'll finally realize that I am pretty damn far gone.
But like I said, I'm on a road to self-discovery.
And on that road, there are cliffs.
There are oceans.
There's a bridge.
There are drifters, lovers, bikers, and loners.
Givers, takers, wanters, needers.
There is violence.
There is hope.
But most of all, there are dreams.
Oh God, what it feels like to have a dream consume you.
At first, it's beautiful then it gets worse.
Then it becomes so painful, all you want to do is let go.
And forgive.
And forget.
But I won't forget.
Even if it were possible, I wouldn't let it slip.
Misery is your best company.
Suffering is your best teacher.
Hating is your best sin.
I know all three better than I should.
Better than you ever could.
It's hard to hold on to pain.
But when you do, you go farther.
You dream larger.
And you fly higher.
It doesn't seem like that in the beginning,
but when it ends, you'll see.
Just take a look inside your heart.
Just take a moment to breathe.
On a road to self-discovery.
I'm slowly gaining speed.
I'm more confident with every tear.
I'm weaker every time I breathe.
The cops aren't on my mind.
They'll have hell trying to catch me.
I'm taking every mile like a lesson learned.
And I'm becoming good friends with my misery.
Because, we all know I'll need its company.
more later...
Sunday, February 25, 2007
I want to start over new...
I won't go back to what I felt.
That's a promise to myself and not to you this time.
I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Hoping I wouldn't disappoint.
And begging to hold on for one more day.
All I ever got out of this was less time, more hurt, and a broken state of mind.
And I never lived a moment for me.
Maybe I'd be worse, maybe I'd be better.
But at least I would know I'd lived.
Sometimes I just sigh to be sure I can still breathe.
Or to make sure my lungs still work.
Right now, I only blink to block the world out of my vision for a split second.
For just a moment, I'm free.
Freedom.
I've forgotten what that felt like.
I'm so sick of feeling the same way every day.
I don't get it.
Why can't I change my ways?
What did I do to be so different?
Did the world take a little more time to make my image?
Did everyone stop with me?
Why can't I breathe when all I've ever done is please?
And how come you prosper when all you ever did was rip me apart?
I'm tired of asking myself questions.
It's harder when you don't know the answers which I surely don't.
I'm sick of feeling miserable.
When that's all I'll ever be.
I've had enough of living life just to get by.
I want more than that now.
You could call me high maintenance.
But I'd laugh in your face.
You could bully me more than anyone.
And I'll push you right back.
That was never me before.
You called me something?
I simply answered to it, knowing it must be true if you said it.
If you tore me apart.
I'd let you because I wasn't strong.
But, it's got nothing to do with muscles.
It's got to do with your soul.
Your mind.
Your heart.
All three are struggling for me.
Stop telling me what I am.
Or what I should be.
I won't listen anymore.
If I need to go deaf to make it happen, I will.
If I need to go blind to stop seeing you, I'll do it.
If I need to to die to be happy?
Well, we won't go there.
From this day forward, I've got a new edge.
I'm the knife you never knew could hurt you.
The blood you never thought would spill.
The lies you never imagined could unfold.
So, guess what?
Now, I'll only breathe to steal the oxygen.
So when all of you can't breathe, I'll laugh.
I'll only live to live for me.
And when all of you suffer, I'll be glad.
Now when you tell me I can't.
You'll wish you never had.
I'm a monster.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a scratchout, a reject, a snitch.
I'm a follower.
I'm a rebel
I'm a lover, hater, and dweller.
I'll destroy you.
I'll lash about.
I'll stop you, drop you, and kill you.
If that's what it takes to get the hell out.
I am so tired of being here.
I want to be with Lee so bad.
Still hoping that I am going to make it there.
Mom's surgery is tomorrow so I am freaking out a little.
I keep laughing at the littlest things even when they are not funny because I am so tired from after this weekend.
It was so nice to just be away with friends.
"Your mom!....Your anus!"
Wow crazy times!
More Later...
That's a promise to myself and not to you this time.
I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Hoping I wouldn't disappoint.
And begging to hold on for one more day.
All I ever got out of this was less time, more hurt, and a broken state of mind.
And I never lived a moment for me.
Maybe I'd be worse, maybe I'd be better.
But at least I would know I'd lived.
Sometimes I just sigh to be sure I can still breathe.
Or to make sure my lungs still work.
Right now, I only blink to block the world out of my vision for a split second.
For just a moment, I'm free.
Freedom.
I've forgotten what that felt like.
I'm so sick of feeling the same way every day.
I don't get it.
Why can't I change my ways?
What did I do to be so different?
Did the world take a little more time to make my image?
Did everyone stop with me?
Why can't I breathe when all I've ever done is please?
And how come you prosper when all you ever did was rip me apart?
I'm tired of asking myself questions.
It's harder when you don't know the answers which I surely don't.
I'm sick of feeling miserable.
When that's all I'll ever be.
I've had enough of living life just to get by.
I want more than that now.
You could call me high maintenance.
But I'd laugh in your face.
You could bully me more than anyone.
And I'll push you right back.
That was never me before.
You called me something?
I simply answered to it, knowing it must be true if you said it.
If you tore me apart.
I'd let you because I wasn't strong.
But, it's got nothing to do with muscles.
It's got to do with your soul.
Your mind.
Your heart.
All three are struggling for me.
Stop telling me what I am.
Or what I should be.
I won't listen anymore.
If I need to go deaf to make it happen, I will.
If I need to go blind to stop seeing you, I'll do it.
If I need to to die to be happy?
Well, we won't go there.
From this day forward, I've got a new edge.
I'm the knife you never knew could hurt you.
The blood you never thought would spill.
The lies you never imagined could unfold.
So, guess what?
Now, I'll only breathe to steal the oxygen.
So when all of you can't breathe, I'll laugh.
I'll only live to live for me.
And when all of you suffer, I'll be glad.
Now when you tell me I can't.
You'll wish you never had.
I'm a monster.
I'm a bitch.
I'm a scratchout, a reject, a snitch.
I'm a follower.
I'm a rebel
I'm a lover, hater, and dweller.
I'll destroy you.
I'll lash about.
I'll stop you, drop you, and kill you.
If that's what it takes to get the hell out.
I am so tired of being here.
I want to be with Lee so bad.
Still hoping that I am going to make it there.
Mom's surgery is tomorrow so I am freaking out a little.
I keep laughing at the littlest things even when they are not funny because I am so tired from after this weekend.
It was so nice to just be away with friends.
"Your mom!....Your anus!"
Wow crazy times!
More Later...
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