memories of times so deep...

Upon reading an amazing womans post Liz Anne Hill, who is seriously stronger then she know's I've decided to post things about my own self and past. It's going to be hard to do, but theraputic.

Most people don't know this, but when I turned 15 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was a really bad time for me honestly. You start thinking about the things that you may never see, never do, and never have. I had it all through highschool, and even missed homecoming my senior year. I gain tons of weight from the chemo tablets because I didn't want to lose my hair, that was the one thing I wasn't going to let happen. My second week of college I had a major flair up and miss about three days of classes. I was quickly put back on something for inflammation that I still take everyday and I'm getting ready to turn 24 this weekend. It's hard some days I'll admit. When I have bad day's they're really bad.

This part is going to seem random, but you'll see how it all ties in. When I was about 4, I walked in on my mother in the bathroom. She was hunched over the toilet and I didn't understand why she was sticking her finger down her throat. A few days later...I was caught doing the same thing my mom had been, and at that point didn't do it again.

I've always realized I was a little bigger then most of the girls around me. I've always swore that I would never take the same path as my mom did...however I failed. My second semester of college I was really depressed. In one week I had three people die, two family members and even my own god father. One to cancer, anther to a heart attack, and one to old age. I was hating myself for all the weight I had gained from the chemo. I'd eat and feel like the ugliest person in the world. So...I'd eat but then within a matter of minutes I'd be in the bathroom emptying the contents in my stomach, so I was 19 then. I lost about 25 pounds to the point that my clothes were baggy but tried covering it up with wearing bulky clothes because I didn't want people to realize. I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I was hours from home and people that I knew from the time I was 10. When the year was done, my mom even noticed. Nothing like not having an ass in jeans that you should have them in. I played it off for the longest time, before one night I just couldn't do it anymore. My bestfriend Ami was there, she's the only one that knows it all. I told her everything and I'm thankful that I did. She was there with me when I told my mom and yes I did go through theraphy for a few months.

There's days I still look at myself and just go ewww. I'm being really careful about what I eat anymore, I exercise when I can. I've never really shared with anyone all of this. It's time to let it all out though. Some people will be like...wow really? I never would have guessed. Other's may hate on me, but really it doesn't much matter now. I'm doing better then I was. There's still days like I said, but one day at a time I'm getting stronger, learning to hold my head up and say "don't like it, don't look."


more later....
AshleyRockstar <3

MIA

I'm not even going to say sorry about being away this time. I've known this was here, I've come to read all of my past entries when I've felt the need to. I'm going to start this up again. I need to, because sometimes this is the only place that I can let it all out, or even be creative. I hope whoever reads this will see a little part of me. The good, the bad, the in-between. Feel free to leave me comments, love, hate, anything. I really wanted to change the name of my blog link, but I don't think I can or know how to, so until I do it's going to stay the same. Is there something you want me to share or write about? Leave it in comments and I'll be sure to get to it. Tons of things will be coming at you soon!

AshleyRockstar!

soft skin, red lips, so kissable...

I have finally decided to write here again. I don't now what I will share and what I won't. The posts may be random just like this and I'm not really sure if I will be sharing what I write anymore....anyways....

Seems like everyone I know is in love these days, and it sucks that I have no one but honestly it really isn't bothering me all that much anymore. Shocking right? I have me, school stuff, and everything else to worry about, why add looking for someone to that? When the time is right that person will come to me, is how I feel. It's like I'm giving up but I'm not, I'm just...comfortable.

So life has still been stressful lately but I'm doing everything I can to calm it down. Getting new stuff for school and just shopping for mayself and all. I'm going to warped soon and I'm soooo.... excited! lol! Seeing some of the boys will be eventful I'm sure. I miss Lee I can't believe she's back with Skyler but I have a feeling its working this time by what shes been telling me. My best friend and baby sister who I would do anything is in love and its the cutest thing ever, Love you Lee, and I can't wait for school to start its going to be fun! :)

now lets go to my top 5 songs I've been listening to right now:
1. My Heart- Paramore
2. Life is a perception of your own reality- chiodos
3. Cold hard heart- Bonjovi yes I know that's an oldie but hes good!
4. She's a handsome woman - Panic at the Disco
5. Hit me with your best shot- Pat Benatar

So go out and listen, party it up and have fun! Summer will be over before you know it and it the best time to go out and make memories!

AshleyRockstar!

Calling out to a world of nothing....

Seems like when you want things to go right they just don't. I'm so stress and I fear I'm taking it out on people and I don't mean to. My mom is in the hospital and had been for almost a month now? or something like it. My grandmother is in the hospital too. And school? My god it's stressing me out so much. I've even picked one of my bad habits up again. I really don't need to but its better then the other right? I feel like I am losing so much and gaining so little. I wish I wasn't feeling like this all at once but thats how it seems to happen. But, I'm trying not to show all of it. I have people to help and things to do so it all seems never ending. I've given up on trying to write becuase I just can't seem to make the time to do it. I just came back from spring break but I feel like I need a break again and it has only been a day. I feel like I'm letting people down too. Lee is my life here apart from the few people that I do know and I feel like I am even letting her down but I'm just so drained and I don't think people get it sometimes. 10 to 1 says I'm going to cause myself to get sick and end up in the hospital or end up having a flair up which I don't need any of right now.

Lee: Sorry if I seem so down and bitchy lately. I really don't mean to at all but you know how life gets. *kisses* love you!

I love when everything works out!

Grrrrr....

I'm not even going to say sorry about being away for so long. I'm at school now and things are so stressful. I found out my roommate went to the RA because I snore and I didn't even know it. I also found out that because finacial aid is stupid that they still have yet to approve anything, so everything that I have worked so hard to do and know that it could be taken away within a week is killing me. My dad can't be approved for a loan and my mom is trying but I don't think that is going to work either. I have never wanted to drink so much in my life. I've never wanted to pick up a phone and call him to come and hold me to take everything away as much as I do. I've never wanted to scream, punch or even thought about doing something that I haven't done in so long, as I do this very moment. I'm so stressed and feel so boxed in that I can barely breathe. Everything seems to come crashing down at one time that it's not even funny. I don't know were to turn or where to go. Its funny how much I try to fake being happy when I am so stressed. There are times when I think some people don't even realize it. I know I have started to show the wears and tares of it but its all been eating at me and now I can't hide behind my fake smile and laugh anymore. It's taking too much out of me. I didn't sleep last night because of dealing with all of this. I just feel like I need to get away already.

Ashley Rockstar....(I don't really fell like a rockstar right now though)

Wow...

Gosh I haven't posted anything here in a long time. HAHA! I'm so bad about it.
So things are in place for SEMO! YAY! I can't wait to be able to hang with Lee all the time. So I got to go to PA for three weeks. God it was great to be home for the first time in over a year. Going back for the holidays before I head off to school. So this is short but I will update more later.....
AshleyRockstar!