Four words to choke on.....

You ever find yourself floating away from someone you're talking to? Like, you can see them forming words with their mouth, but for the life of you, you can't hear them. Or maybe you can, but it's in a different language. You stop talking because you don't remember what you were talking about in the first place.


Your brain shuts down. A movie comes on. It's very slow and it always catches you by surprise. This unnamed feeling comes over you as you watch yourself as a child. In your head the movie plays a small clip of something you can't ever forget. So you sit there, unable to communicate to the person before you, for you can't see them anyway. Only the movie.


A child runs in the backyard. It's you. You're chasing you're dog. You're laughing. A somber smile finds your lips as you watch yourself play. At first you feel the joy of that precious childhood moment. And then you remember that moment. Then you realize it was the last time you felt that kind of joy. That innocence. That freedom. That blissful ignorance of the hateful world around you. You were a child. You were happy. You were carefree. Your soul will never forget that fire of childlike innocence. Memories. Close and distant.


Now you feel that yearning. When that movie plays in all of us, the past is the present. This is everyone's movie. There is no 'snapping out of your thoughts'. Only a gradual fading of emotions. Emotions that had paralyzed your entire being so you could watch this movie again. Now you can speak. Now you can hear that someone is talking to you. Maybe you interrupt them, or maybe you don't. But we all say the same thing.

Im so sick of everything....

"Every night I fall.. waiting for the world to end."



I'm so sick of my life falling apart all around me over and over again. I'm sick of sitting by and watching things I cannot change. I'm sick of being told things will be okay when they won't be. I'm sick of being trapped I want to be free. I'm sick of trying to fight. I'm sick of swimming in the never-ending sea of sorrows. I'm sick of trying to stay above the water, but drowning anyway. I'm sick of hiding how I feel. I'm sick of faking every smile. I'm sick of saying I'm dandy, when I'm not. I'm sick of keeping back my tears. I'm sick of holding back my screams. I'm sick of living this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me my life isn't that bad. I'm sick of people saying it could be worse. I'm just so sick of everything.



It's sad that I'm only 20 years old and yet in my heart I feel as if I'm 50 because of all the things I've been through.



I want to break free.

Broken....

I try to hold on to better times
When I believed in myself
When I was so full of hope
When I thought I could achieve everything
When I felt like nothing could ever bring me down again

Cause now there’s nothing that can lift me up
My life is all fucked up again
Just like everything I do is wrong
I wonder if there’s a point in carrying on at all
The days when I used to stand tall are now gone

I can’t do anything on my own
And I don’t get along with the world
I don’t have faith in myself
No one hears my insides cry so loud
Once I used to hope for a happy future
But there’s no one around to lend a hand

I’m left all alone and feeling so lost
How can I go on?
Seems like I haven’t found my way
One I could see it from a distance
But these days are gone.

I never knew that it could be so damn hard
To heal one’s wounds
Still I’m trying to save myself
But I just can’t make it on my own
I’m dying everytime I’m all alone.




Still stuck in the house. Getting to go to whitewater possibly on Tuesday... but I don't see that happening. If not I am breaking out on the 4th of July and going to the park or something. My writting is starting to come back a little I haven't done too much. I miss Lee and the K-town crew. I love ya'll. I found Dirty's song in my note book today and just cried. I miss being with people, it's like I am not connected to the world anymore. Sure I have the internet, tv, and cell phone... but thats different then being with people face to face. My vocals are crap right now because I haven't been singing in a while. but here's a let down for you.


More Later....
<3 AshleyRockstar

Save me from this craziness....

Gosh my grandmother makes me so mad sometimes. She acts like I am still 10 or something and I don't know how to do anything. I could have slept for another hour but no she loves making my life hell. I have been up since 6:45 and my dad was still sleeping! I have been stuck in this house since Thursday and it is driving me nuts. SOMEONE SAVE ME! I know I have to take care of my dad and all but it would be nice just to go outside for at least 15 minutes of the day. But do I get to do that? NO!!!!!! Its not like my dad is going to break if I leave for an hour. I have checks that need to be cashed, things that I need to do... but will that be happening anytime soon? Doubt it. I wish I could see my mom, I haven't seen her in 8 months and it really sucks. I have things up in PA that I need to bring down for school and all too. Looks like things just aren't going my way lately and I wish they were. I really think I need to start seeing the therapist again. Im starting to get depressed and everone keeps asking if Im ok and I just put on a fake smile and say Im fine, when in reality Im not, but how are you supposed to tell the people around you that?

More Later...
AshleyRockstar

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards....

Don't ya love it when your stress level is a 4 and it skyrockets to a 15 and its only supposed to go to 10? Well my dad is finally getting out of the hospital tomorrow and I got a call that my mom went into the hospital tonight. I wish things like that could just disappear and they didn't have to be dealt with. I am at such a loss of what to do right now other then to sit here and bawl my eyes out and wish things did have to be the way that they are right now. I am going to end up stressing myself out too much that I will end up in the hospital. I miss the boys I should have been with them today. I did get to see Pat and Andy but that was about it... they should be stopping by again soon for a moment or two before they head out of town.


Ill rant more later......
Stressedthefuckout.....
~Ashley

Love is just Joke spelt wrong...

You say You love someone forever

How long is forever actually?

Until you find someone new?

Someone better?

Its like when you fall

Its hard to get back up

but you just clean the wound

And move on

When you fall in love

However, its like that person

Took part of you along with them

There's something missing

Its just hard to figure out what it is

When some affects your life so much it hurts

You try and go back to what you did before them

But its not the same

Its dulled somehow

Its like they made you feel good

So when they left they make you feel bad?

Yin and Yang?

You feel good so you must feel bad to?

So When you say

"baby I love you"

Are you really saying

"ill pretend to love you until someone new is here"

Because from what I can tell

Love is just Joke spelt wrong!

Its just so hard to forget someone that makes you smile

Is the same person person who isn't there now is the one that makes you frown

Its not fair

I shouldn’t have let you this close to me

Why was I so stupid to fall for you?

Its hard to think that this all happen from you saying "wanna do something?"

All this could have been avoided if I just said two simple letters

N and O

then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess

Jumbled things....

I'm not going to die,
I'm not going to give in,
I'm going to stay here,
and fight my way to the end.

(Im in pain right now I think I have another flare up coming on and it sucks so bad. I hate dealing with health problems. I think its from dealing with stress the past few days.)

You can push and shove,
Call me names,
Try to ruin my name,
and hurl things my way.

(I swear you are fucking bipolar Pete. Happy and talking to me the one minute the next your bitching me out and sending me pictures of you and her on your birthday.)

In the end,
I still stand,
Strong and Proud,
You can't win.

(Because even your new powers have no effect on me. I have taken your blows and others too and I am still making it through. I want to be back with Lee :( I miss here and everyone.)

My fight is
For my life,
The one I lead,
Without a dream.

(even though I have alot of dreams right now... but music and singing and being with lee are all on the top of that list.)

All the pain,
and the sorrow,
Will soon fade,
in passing days.

(When everything will go my way and be how I want it to be it will.)

But that is
still so far away,
and I'm left to
fend for my way.

(I have done everything I need to have everything Ive got in my life, and I will keep doing it until I have everything in my life I deserve.)

I'm not going to break,
But I will start to bend.
I'm not going to fall,
But I will start to slip.

(Life will always be this way.)

You're not going to win,
Even if I lose,
Because I'm not dieing,
or giving in...

(nor do I ever plan to.)


So I am feeling a little under the weather right now.....
More later....
AshleyRockstar