Something started...

Here's something I started to write the other day. When It's done I'll be sure to share the whole finished product with all of you.

What is love?
Is it a billion shinging stars in the sky and the brightest one is only for the two of you?
The two lovers tangled together, but one question remains. Is their love a lie?
Star crossed lovers, together at heart but miles apart. What kept them that way? Lie after lies, deception, false hopes. Oh what could have been.
What is love?
Is it a million different love songs, but only one rings true?
Can one not seal the deal? Make you laugh, cry, and feel everything all at once?

Hope you like the preview....

grant me some peace....

I'm finding it hard to get by right now. I mean really. I know I know all of you are going to be like suck it up, it's really not that bad. If only some people really knew.

I have a job. Do I love it? No. Do I need it? Yes, more then anything. I'm getting the hours but not the pay I was supposed to be getting. I'm literally scraping by. I'm honestly lucky right now when I have a few bucks to spare for gas and to go to the dollar store to pick up a box of ramen that has to last me for two weeks.

Yes people times have really fallen that hard. I woke up this morning and after paying 40 myself and my mom kindly paying 50 last week on my over due cell phone bill...which by the way is the only way I can talk to people...I wake up to it being shut off. Really? I kind of just want to burst out in tears. The cable is off, because I couldn't afford to pay for that (I still owe my roommate/cousin money). Last month my roommate lost or had stolen 60 dollars that I gave her towards rent and bills, so I had to fork over another 60. Heck I'm picking up some wifi just to post this up.

Yes sob story I know, this is my vent read it or don't.

I wish I could hit it lucky. More money, more hours, more anything at this point but the bad. I'm at a lost of what to do. I need help, but I feel like if I go to my family it means I'm failing.... before I curl in a ball and just give up.

heavy is the head that wears the crown, don't let the greatness get you down...

My oh my what a way to end and start a new year. How crazy is it, that it's 2011 already?!

So for christmas I went to Miami! It was tons of fun, the relaxation that I needed. I got to write every morning!

Who wouldn't with that view right there though? I finished a couple songs and I'm really proud of them honestly. It was really nice to meet my dad's fiance's family finally. I mean they have been together for like over two years now. Let me tell you, the Latinos sure know how to party. Food, drinking, dancing. It was just so much fun!

New years was just as great. I had to work till about six, rush home, get ready for everyone that was coming over. The theme was to wear something new and red, and we did all these other things that are traditions. Have coins in your pocket, eat 12 grapes, and kiss at midnight. No mine wasn't a real kiss, I have no one to kiss! Ha! It was just nice to hang out with people and catch up on what had been going on since we saw them last. Games, watching the ball drop, way more food then we needed, the works!

So this week has been an adventure already. I found out about a possible job. It would require me to move though. I have to say...I'm willing to take it. It's back in Augusta where I was living a few years ago, really when most of this blog started. I have people I know there, unlike here. I would have one schedual. More money. Benifits, which is a major plus, because I have nothing right now and it all comes out of pocket. Other then finding that out, my car decided to give me problems. As I was driving to work, I rolled on up to a stop light. What happened? It shut right off, no lights worked, it wouldn't turn back on, nothing! Luckily for me there was a cop just a few cars back and saw people going around me. Him as well as another man pulled over and helpped push me out of the road. The big man upstairs must have been watching out for me! However...a new alternator, the belts for it, and new battery terminals later, I'm out about $546.26. Can we say ouch?! Almost all of that is labor too! They really like to rip you off with that. But, what's done is done. I'm safe, the car is fixed, and I have an interview next wednesday for that job!

Wish me luck people, and let's hope for my sake that this year is the best yet!

my skin is shedding, just like the season's change.

Thoes little imperfections
make you beautiful, loveable, valueable
They show your personality inside your heart
Reflecting who you are....
Freckles- Natasha Bedingfield

As everyone know, this past Sunday I turned 24! Happy Birthday to me! With it comes some new realizations. I'm me. There's nothing anyone can or will do to change that. Yes things that people say hurt, I also know that I get defensive a lot when I feel people are attacking me. I need to stop that though. It also got me to thinking. Yes I know that's a scary thing! Haha. In all honesty though, it's time to start being comfortable in my skin, or at least trying to get there.


There's a few goals that I've set for myself this year. Get my own place. Be healthy and do it the right way. Save money as much as I can, shop less, budget more. If I do all of that I'll be golden. It's time to get out and spread my wings. I'm ready for it!

Well....I know this was short, but family time calls! Have a good week everyone.

memories of times so deep...

Upon reading an amazing womans post Liz Anne Hill, who is seriously stronger then she know's I've decided to post things about my own self and past. It's going to be hard to do, but theraputic.

Most people don't know this, but when I turned 15 I was diagnosed with colon cancer. It was a really bad time for me honestly. You start thinking about the things that you may never see, never do, and never have. I had it all through highschool, and even missed homecoming my senior year. I gain tons of weight from the chemo tablets because I didn't want to lose my hair, that was the one thing I wasn't going to let happen. My second week of college I had a major flair up and miss about three days of classes. I was quickly put back on something for inflammation that I still take everyday and I'm getting ready to turn 24 this weekend. It's hard some days I'll admit. When I have bad day's they're really bad.

This part is going to seem random, but you'll see how it all ties in. When I was about 4, I walked in on my mother in the bathroom. She was hunched over the toilet and I didn't understand why she was sticking her finger down her throat. A few days later...I was caught doing the same thing my mom had been, and at that point didn't do it again.

I've always realized I was a little bigger then most of the girls around me. I've always swore that I would never take the same path as my mom did...however I failed. My second semester of college I was really depressed. In one week I had three people die, two family members and even my own god father. One to cancer, anther to a heart attack, and one to old age. I was hating myself for all the weight I had gained from the chemo. I'd eat and feel like the ugliest person in the world. So...I'd eat but then within a matter of minutes I'd be in the bathroom emptying the contents in my stomach, so I was 19 then. I lost about 25 pounds to the point that my clothes were baggy but tried covering it up with wearing bulky clothes because I didn't want people to realize. I didn't have anyone to fall back on. I was hours from home and people that I knew from the time I was 10. When the year was done, my mom even noticed. Nothing like not having an ass in jeans that you should have them in. I played it off for the longest time, before one night I just couldn't do it anymore. My bestfriend Ami was there, she's the only one that knows it all. I told her everything and I'm thankful that I did. She was there with me when I told my mom and yes I did go through theraphy for a few months.

There's days I still look at myself and just go ewww. I'm being really careful about what I eat anymore, I exercise when I can. I've never really shared with anyone all of this. It's time to let it all out though. Some people will be like...wow really? I never would have guessed. Other's may hate on me, but really it doesn't much matter now. I'm doing better then I was. There's still days like I said, but one day at a time I'm getting stronger, learning to hold my head up and say "don't like it, don't look."


more later....
AshleyRockstar <3

MIA

I'm not even going to say sorry about being away this time. I've known this was here, I've come to read all of my past entries when I've felt the need to. I'm going to start this up again. I need to, because sometimes this is the only place that I can let it all out, or even be creative. I hope whoever reads this will see a little part of me. The good, the bad, the in-between. Feel free to leave me comments, love, hate, anything. I really wanted to change the name of my blog link, but I don't think I can or know how to, so until I do it's going to stay the same. Is there something you want me to share or write about? Leave it in comments and I'll be sure to get to it. Tons of things will be coming at you soon!

AshleyRockstar!

soft skin, red lips, so kissable...

I have finally decided to write here again. I don't now what I will share and what I won't. The posts may be random just like this and I'm not really sure if I will be sharing what I write anymore....anyways....

Seems like everyone I know is in love these days, and it sucks that I have no one but honestly it really isn't bothering me all that much anymore. Shocking right? I have me, school stuff, and everything else to worry about, why add looking for someone to that? When the time is right that person will come to me, is how I feel. It's like I'm giving up but I'm not, I'm just...comfortable.

So life has still been stressful lately but I'm doing everything I can to calm it down. Getting new stuff for school and just shopping for mayself and all. I'm going to warped soon and I'm soooo.... excited! lol! Seeing some of the boys will be eventful I'm sure. I miss Lee I can't believe she's back with Skyler but I have a feeling its working this time by what shes been telling me. My best friend and baby sister who I would do anything is in love and its the cutest thing ever, Love you Lee, and I can't wait for school to start its going to be fun! :)

now lets go to my top 5 songs I've been listening to right now:
1. My Heart- Paramore
2. Life is a perception of your own reality- chiodos
3. Cold hard heart- Bonjovi yes I know that's an oldie but hes good!
4. She's a handsome woman - Panic at the Disco
5. Hit me with your best shot- Pat Benatar

So go out and listen, party it up and have fun! Summer will be over before you know it and it the best time to go out and make memories!

AshleyRockstar!

Calling out to a world of nothing....

Seems like when you want things to go right they just don't. I'm so stress and I fear I'm taking it out on people and I don't mean to. My mom is in the hospital and had been for almost a month now? or something like it. My grandmother is in the hospital too. And school? My god it's stressing me out so much. I've even picked one of my bad habits up again. I really don't need to but its better then the other right? I feel like I am losing so much and gaining so little. I wish I wasn't feeling like this all at once but thats how it seems to happen. But, I'm trying not to show all of it. I have people to help and things to do so it all seems never ending. I've given up on trying to write becuase I just can't seem to make the time to do it. I just came back from spring break but I feel like I need a break again and it has only been a day. I feel like I'm letting people down too. Lee is my life here apart from the few people that I do know and I feel like I am even letting her down but I'm just so drained and I don't think people get it sometimes. 10 to 1 says I'm going to cause myself to get sick and end up in the hospital or end up having a flair up which I don't need any of right now.

Lee: Sorry if I seem so down and bitchy lately. I really don't mean to at all but you know how life gets. *kisses* love you!

I love when everything works out!

Grrrrr....

I'm not even going to say sorry about being away for so long. I'm at school now and things are so stressful. I found out my roommate went to the RA because I snore and I didn't even know it. I also found out that because finacial aid is stupid that they still have yet to approve anything, so everything that I have worked so hard to do and know that it could be taken away within a week is killing me. My dad can't be approved for a loan and my mom is trying but I don't think that is going to work either. I have never wanted to drink so much in my life. I've never wanted to pick up a phone and call him to come and hold me to take everything away as much as I do. I've never wanted to scream, punch or even thought about doing something that I haven't done in so long, as I do this very moment. I'm so stressed and feel so boxed in that I can barely breathe. Everything seems to come crashing down at one time that it's not even funny. I don't know were to turn or where to go. Its funny how much I try to fake being happy when I am so stressed. There are times when I think some people don't even realize it. I know I have started to show the wears and tares of it but its all been eating at me and now I can't hide behind my fake smile and laugh anymore. It's taking too much out of me. I didn't sleep last night because of dealing with all of this. I just feel like I need to get away already.

Ashley Rockstar....(I don't really fell like a rockstar right now though)

Wow...

Gosh I haven't posted anything here in a long time. HAHA! I'm so bad about it.
So things are in place for SEMO! YAY! I can't wait to be able to hang with Lee all the time. So I got to go to PA for three weeks. God it was great to be home for the first time in over a year. Going back for the holidays before I head off to school. So this is short but I will update more later.....
AshleyRockstar!

Four words to choke on.....

You ever find yourself floating away from someone you're talking to? Like, you can see them forming words with their mouth, but for the life of you, you can't hear them. Or maybe you can, but it's in a different language. You stop talking because you don't remember what you were talking about in the first place.


Your brain shuts down. A movie comes on. It's very slow and it always catches you by surprise. This unnamed feeling comes over you as you watch yourself as a child. In your head the movie plays a small clip of something you can't ever forget. So you sit there, unable to communicate to the person before you, for you can't see them anyway. Only the movie.


A child runs in the backyard. It's you. You're chasing you're dog. You're laughing. A somber smile finds your lips as you watch yourself play. At first you feel the joy of that precious childhood moment. And then you remember that moment. Then you realize it was the last time you felt that kind of joy. That innocence. That freedom. That blissful ignorance of the hateful world around you. You were a child. You were happy. You were carefree. Your soul will never forget that fire of childlike innocence. Memories. Close and distant.


Now you feel that yearning. When that movie plays in all of us, the past is the present. This is everyone's movie. There is no 'snapping out of your thoughts'. Only a gradual fading of emotions. Emotions that had paralyzed your entire being so you could watch this movie again. Now you can speak. Now you can hear that someone is talking to you. Maybe you interrupt them, or maybe you don't. But we all say the same thing.

Im so sick of everything....

"Every night I fall.. waiting for the world to end."



I'm so sick of my life falling apart all around me over and over again. I'm sick of sitting by and watching things I cannot change. I'm sick of being told things will be okay when they won't be. I'm sick of being trapped I want to be free. I'm sick of trying to fight. I'm sick of swimming in the never-ending sea of sorrows. I'm sick of trying to stay above the water, but drowning anyway. I'm sick of hiding how I feel. I'm sick of faking every smile. I'm sick of saying I'm dandy, when I'm not. I'm sick of keeping back my tears. I'm sick of holding back my screams. I'm sick of living this way. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of people telling me my life isn't that bad. I'm sick of people saying it could be worse. I'm just so sick of everything.



It's sad that I'm only 20 years old and yet in my heart I feel as if I'm 50 because of all the things I've been through.



I want to break free.

Broken....

I try to hold on to better times
When I believed in myself
When I was so full of hope
When I thought I could achieve everything
When I felt like nothing could ever bring me down again

Cause now there’s nothing that can lift me up
My life is all fucked up again
Just like everything I do is wrong
I wonder if there’s a point in carrying on at all
The days when I used to stand tall are now gone

I can’t do anything on my own
And I don’t get along with the world
I don’t have faith in myself
No one hears my insides cry so loud
Once I used to hope for a happy future
But there’s no one around to lend a hand

I’m left all alone and feeling so lost
How can I go on?
Seems like I haven’t found my way
One I could see it from a distance
But these days are gone.

I never knew that it could be so damn hard
To heal one’s wounds
Still I’m trying to save myself
But I just can’t make it on my own
I’m dying everytime I’m all alone.




Still stuck in the house. Getting to go to whitewater possibly on Tuesday... but I don't see that happening. If not I am breaking out on the 4th of July and going to the park or something. My writting is starting to come back a little I haven't done too much. I miss Lee and the K-town crew. I love ya'll. I found Dirty's song in my note book today and just cried. I miss being with people, it's like I am not connected to the world anymore. Sure I have the internet, tv, and cell phone... but thats different then being with people face to face. My vocals are crap right now because I haven't been singing in a while. but here's a let down for you.


More Later....
<3 AshleyRockstar

Save me from this craziness....

Gosh my grandmother makes me so mad sometimes. She acts like I am still 10 or something and I don't know how to do anything. I could have slept for another hour but no she loves making my life hell. I have been up since 6:45 and my dad was still sleeping! I have been stuck in this house since Thursday and it is driving me nuts. SOMEONE SAVE ME! I know I have to take care of my dad and all but it would be nice just to go outside for at least 15 minutes of the day. But do I get to do that? NO!!!!!! Its not like my dad is going to break if I leave for an hour. I have checks that need to be cashed, things that I need to do... but will that be happening anytime soon? Doubt it. I wish I could see my mom, I haven't seen her in 8 months and it really sucks. I have things up in PA that I need to bring down for school and all too. Looks like things just aren't going my way lately and I wish they were. I really think I need to start seeing the therapist again. Im starting to get depressed and everone keeps asking if Im ok and I just put on a fake smile and say Im fine, when in reality Im not, but how are you supposed to tell the people around you that?

More Later...
AshleyRockstar

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards....

Don't ya love it when your stress level is a 4 and it skyrockets to a 15 and its only supposed to go to 10? Well my dad is finally getting out of the hospital tomorrow and I got a call that my mom went into the hospital tonight. I wish things like that could just disappear and they didn't have to be dealt with. I am at such a loss of what to do right now other then to sit here and bawl my eyes out and wish things did have to be the way that they are right now. I am going to end up stressing myself out too much that I will end up in the hospital. I miss the boys I should have been with them today. I did get to see Pat and Andy but that was about it... they should be stopping by again soon for a moment or two before they head out of town.


Ill rant more later......
Stressedthefuckout.....
~Ashley

Love is just Joke spelt wrong...

You say You love someone forever

How long is forever actually?

Until you find someone new?

Someone better?

Its like when you fall

Its hard to get back up

but you just clean the wound

And move on

When you fall in love

However, its like that person

Took part of you along with them

There's something missing

Its just hard to figure out what it is

When some affects your life so much it hurts

You try and go back to what you did before them

But its not the same

Its dulled somehow

Its like they made you feel good

So when they left they make you feel bad?

Yin and Yang?

You feel good so you must feel bad to?

So When you say

"baby I love you"

Are you really saying

"ill pretend to love you until someone new is here"

Because from what I can tell

Love is just Joke spelt wrong!

Its just so hard to forget someone that makes you smile

Is the same person person who isn't there now is the one that makes you frown

Its not fair

I shouldn’t have let you this close to me

Why was I so stupid to fall for you?

Its hard to think that this all happen from you saying "wanna do something?"

All this could have been avoided if I just said two simple letters

N and O

then maybe I wouldn't be in this mess

Jumbled things....

I'm not going to die,
I'm not going to give in,
I'm going to stay here,
and fight my way to the end.

(Im in pain right now I think I have another flare up coming on and it sucks so bad. I hate dealing with health problems. I think its from dealing with stress the past few days.)

You can push and shove,
Call me names,
Try to ruin my name,
and hurl things my way.

(I swear you are fucking bipolar Pete. Happy and talking to me the one minute the next your bitching me out and sending me pictures of you and her on your birthday.)

In the end,
I still stand,
Strong and Proud,
You can't win.

(Because even your new powers have no effect on me. I have taken your blows and others too and I am still making it through. I want to be back with Lee :( I miss here and everyone.)

My fight is
For my life,
The one I lead,
Without a dream.

(even though I have alot of dreams right now... but music and singing and being with lee are all on the top of that list.)

All the pain,
and the sorrow,
Will soon fade,
in passing days.

(When everything will go my way and be how I want it to be it will.)

But that is
still so far away,
and I'm left to
fend for my way.

(I have done everything I need to have everything Ive got in my life, and I will keep doing it until I have everything in my life I deserve.)

I'm not going to break,
But I will start to bend.
I'm not going to fall,
But I will start to slip.

(Life will always be this way.)

You're not going to win,
Even if I lose,
Because I'm not dieing,
or giving in...

(nor do I ever plan to.)


So I am feeling a little under the weather right now.....
More later....
AshleyRockstar

Reminds me of home....

I love being here in MO with Lee! Things are going great other then finding out that my dad go into a pretty bad car accident the night that I got here. Meeting the people that are closest to Lee is awesome, they all seem really cool. Ive picked up my cell phone so many times wanting to call him.... yes Pete! But I haven't he doesn't know about my dad and for now its going to stay that way, and when we do start talking Im pretty sure that I will get yelled at for not telling you. Opps! I hate fighting with you because it makes me think about you more because every song and every video that I hear and see makes me want to break down right there like a baby but I don't and I won't because you will never have the satisfaction of knowing that this is what you do to me. For thoes of you that are already bored its going to stay that way because there is going to be none of my writting other then what's going on in my life at the moment. Lee graduated last night and it was awesome I've never been on the other side of graduation because I was the one that graduated. It made me miss being in highschool and having that one moment where it was about me and getting that little slip of paper saying your done. These two weeks are going to be great. We've gone bowling, eating out (TACO!) yes I get picked on for saying taco weird *giggle*, graduation, walmart. And Im going to dye my hair today. YESSSSSSSSSSS! Goodbye ugly blonde in my hair. Yep. Im being random. I guess I will wait and see what the rest of the day will unfold for me. My times already ajusted, which is great because I thought it would take me longer this time. LOVE YOU LEE!
More later bitches.......
Ashley